Closet Thoughts (a short Joshler story) 🏳️‍🌈 ✔️

🥀7🕸⛈🌪

TW: Talking/description of self harm (scars) in this chapter! Be safe

Tyler really hated himself.

He and Josh were watching the movie and, of course, Tyler's few minutes of being quite joyful didn't last long. Josh noticed.

He swallowed some popcorn as he saw his best friend's eyes stare at the screen, but not register what he was watching or looking at. His fingernails were slowly scratching the skin of his elbow which was looking red by now, and he hadn't had any of the snacks or drinks for a while now. His eyes looked absent and watery.

And when the part of the movie started where the two friends on screen parted ways for a while, with the saddest song in the movie, a tear rolled down Tyler's cheek.

Dude, i totally miss you
I really fucking miss you
I'm all alone,
All the time, all the time
Dude, i totally miss you
The things we did together
Where have you gone?
Totally miss the honesty
And special times, and honestly
I totally miss the fucked up thing you do
Dude, i totally miss you
I totally miss you
Dude, i totally miss you
All the time

"Hey Ty?" Josh softly said. He paused the movie. Tyler didn't take his eyes off the screen.

"Yeah?" He softly replied. He still stared at the screen.

"When I came back after going to the store, you... You said you felt lonely, right?" Josh asked. Tyler slowly nodded.

"Are you still feeling lonely?" Josh asked.

Tyler stared at the screen for a little longer, before looking up at his best friend. His expression was a very sad one to Josh. "Is it that obvious?" Tyler softly asked. Josh shook his head. "No, it's not. Just a bestie feeling", he said.

Tyler looked back at the screen. "I'm not even on my own here anymore. You're right next to me, talking to me, and I still feel lonely", he muttered. "D'you know what you... Y'know, what you're missing? What's causing you to feel lonely?" Josh asked.

"Uhm..."  Tyler trailed. "I-I don't know. Maybe I do... I'm just not sure I guess. I just feel... Really sad", Tyler softly said. "And I want someone to hold me and tell me I'll be alright some day. I want someone I can love with my whole heart while they love me back just as much. I just wanna feel them against my skin so I know it's real and it's not a dream, or something that I'm making up", Tyler softly mumbled. Josh hummed softly, sitting up.

"Y'know..." He trailed. "It's probably gonna sound a bit weird but.. I could... Y'know. I could hold you", Josh said, wiping his hands on his jeans before scratching the back of his head behind his ear.

Tyler raised his eyebrows as he turned back to look at Josh, sitting up as well. "What?" He asked. "Well I don't mean anything, like... Weird by it", Josh said. "It's just... Y'know, you're my best friend and I hate to see you sad and feel like this and I just wanna make you feel a little bit better for a little while", Josh shrugged softly. "And I care for you and love you, y'know that right? You're my bestie", Josh said. Tyler nodded softly. "So I... I could hold you", Josh softly spoke, looking at his hands. "It'll be just like hugging you but... while laying down. I guess it's, like, cuddling", Josh said. He bit his lip.

Tyler told himself not to do it. He couldn't do that. Not when he had a crush on his best friend. Tell him no. You're in love with your best friend and this is gonna hurt you. He doesn't love you; he's being a good friend. You can't do this, 'cause it's gonna break your heart for the thousandth time over again. It's gonna ruin you again and you'll only feel worse than you already do. Don't do it. Tell him no. Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it.