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HATING HERSELF WAS BETTER THAN PRETENDING NOTHING HAD HAPPENED.
Rory released her emotions out on the deep forests of Washington, trees crashed and animals were drained as she tried to regain a sense of control over herself. She despised herself, she hated what she had to do, had to leave, and remember every fucked up thing that happened to her. Every hurt and pain that had been suppressed deep in the chambers of her locked memory made it worse.
She felt ridiculous, having a belated tantrum over realizing what had happened to her life, losing her life and becoming what she fought so hard not to be.
She could blame her current state of disaster on her memory loss. If she remembered who she was before the change, maybe she would've left the Volturi as soon as possible before they put her on a mission to be an instrument in the destruction of the Cullen coven. But even without remembering her history, she knew what she had been doing was wrong from the beginning. She was just too afraid and too proud to run away.
She could pin the blame on Alec for letting her become his little protege because she didn't know any better and listened to his every teaching, but Alec had never pretended to be something he was not. He liked his games, but he never pretended to care if he didn't actually. He was brutally honest and it was why Rory couldn't blame him in the end. He never played the saint.
A part of her wanted to blame the Cullens; they shouldn't have been so naive or let their guilt over what happened last September allow them to trust her words so easily or ignore the fact that she had used her gift to prevent Edward from reading her thoughts. They also shouldn't have left her in the first place—it was all a brouhaha of pain and betrayal all around.
But mostly, and truthfully, she blamed herself. She got herself into this mess, and she had to deal with the repercussions.
Jasper was a whole other topic. She didn't know how to feel about him anymore. She didn't know how to deal with her conflicted emotions now that her heart was fighting her mind.
Before she turned into a vampire and forgot everything, she was sure she wanted nothing to do with him after he left her in the hospital. He broke her heart and she went all the way to Italy to try and prove something. Yet in the last month she spent with the Cullens, with Jasper, she understood why he had to leave in the first place. Their relationship was dangerous. He only wanted to protect her, even if it ended up being futile.
She hated him for leaving, but she loved him in spite of it. He was her first love—that was something that could never go away, no matter how far she ran.
Rory stared up at the endless stars above, not exhausted from tearing up the forest—as a vampire she had an unending supply of energy—but she just simply had no more motivation left within to fight her feelings. She let it overtake her, consume her.
