Before he wakes

f i v e

"What's happened? Is she OK?" my stomach began to turn and I swallowed the sick that had risen to my throat.

"Arleen I'm afraid there was nothing we could do. She was in a lot of distress and without knowing what was causing it, there was nothing we could do to help her. We run a few tests and found nothing-"

"What do you mean you found nothing? There clearly was something wrong with her! Why didn't you run more tests!"

"I understand you're angry, but I'm afraid she passed before we could attempt more tests and X-rays-"

"I just don't understand, she was fine when I left her this morning! She was only in there five minutes-"

I waved my hand at the door where Harper had been. My eyes stung from tears and I longed for my husband to be there with me. He would surely have been at home, worrying about our whereabouts. I would have to go home alone and find the strength to tell him that our little girl was no longer with us. We had gotten Harper a month after I had miscarried my son, Liam. We were beyond devastated when we lost him. Although he wasn't planned, we took the news as a blessing. Both Myron and I were over the moon: decorating the babies nursery, buying little baby grows and fluffy toys, reading an endless supply of parenting books that we had borrowed from the local library. My family too were thrilled. Myron's Father wasn't all that pleased and made comment that "accidents did happen" and that it was my fault entirely. Myron had found his Fathers comment audacious and had given him a stern word later on. Life was good until one day I started to feel incredibly ill whilst at work and was rushed to hospital where I was told that I had in fact lost the baby. My heart ached. I hadn't prepared myself for that situation-why would I? I felt that his loss left a gaping void in our lives- a void that we never knew existed before Liam. Myron and I began arguing constantly, but we both understood that we were grieving and needed space. A month later, I was flicking through a newspaper when I saw an advertisement that read 'Could you give one of these puppies a loving home?' with a black and white photograph of six dachshund puppies and beneath a brief description of the litter. From the moment I saw Harper, who was the smallest of the litter, I just knew we had to have her. I showed Myron over dinner that evening and he agreed that she would make a perfect addition to the family. Him and I both knew that she would take our minds off of Liam. We still mourned for him terribly and as I had taken time off work to deal with our loss, we felt it was the right time. A few weeks later, we drove ten miles to meet our new bundle of joy and she was everything we could have asked for.

****************

My blood ran cold. I released the grip around the telephone and let it fall to my side. The world fell still. No surely she was wrong? She couldn't be dead. My hand went to my mouth and I sat down slowly, my head pounding.

Joan took a seat next to me and put her hand on mine.

"I'm very sorry." She whispered.

It felt as though the world had been tipped upside down. I was shocked and in disbelief. It had all happened so quickly. So many unanswered questions; Did something happen when I had left for work that morning? Would I have been able to save her if I had gone home at lunchtime instead of going to the office party? Had she been feeling unwell before and I had let it go unnoticed? The thought of her lying alone and helpless flashed through my mind and I cried hard.

"If only I had gone home at lunchtime-I'm so selfish, it's all my fault"

"Arleen, I can assure you it wasn't your fault. Sometimes these things happen and we don't have an explanation."

I hadn't believed her of course and blamed myself entirely. If only I knew then what had really happened I would for sure be putting the blame on Myron instead of punishing myself.