Undone

Keeping Score

Day 121

"And now... now when he's put this thing inside me," he cried pointing to his head, "You... you just leave it there! You won't get it out of me! What did I ever do to make the Jedi hate me so much? I would have left if they had just asked me to... I would have gone away... They didn't have to do this! Why did they do this? Why?"

Then Qui-Gon saw it and, for a moment, his heart seized in his chest. A tremor ran through the boy's left thigh causing his knee to buckle and his body to collapse and fall backwards...

...backwards off the platform...

...Obi-Wan was falling off the platform...

That sudden realization shocked the master's heart back into rhythm as effectively as any defibrillation device ever could. The Force was quiescent around Obi-Wan and the master knew it was because the boy was not interested in trying to save himself. He was content to let himself fall to what he knew was certain death. His master, however, shared no such sentiment. With the immense power born of desperation and the fine control wrought from a lifetime of training, Qui-Gon quickly surrounded the teen's small body in a blanket of Force first stopping him then lifting him back onto the platform. Once again, the boy was safe on solid ground and, in an instant, the master had him safe within the circle of his arms. Qui-Gon knelt fiercely clutching the teen to his body, his thoughts awash with what could have been, with what almost was. So, distracted were his thoughts and so strong his relief that it was several minutes before he noticed the boy was shivering in his embrace; his bare skin raised into pimpled flesh. Qui-Gon removed his cloak and settled it around the boy's chilled frame in one smooth motion. He leaned back slightly, just enough to see the boy's face. Blue-gray eyes rose to meet his deep blues. These were not the dead eyes of before. No, there was feeling in these shimmering orbs, but what was reflected was not the rage from moments ago either. Instead, those eyes only held a desperate weariness and a bottomless despair that stole away the master's breath; the memory of when last the boy looked upon him with those eyes flashed in his mind. He had not seen those eyes since Bandomeer. He had hoped to never see them again.

"Padawan?" he whispered.

"I'm tired, Master," Obi-Wan responded. Without hesitation or even conscious thought, Qui-Gon scooped the boy up in his arms, wrapping him tightly in his cloak, and silently sped them both back to their quarters. Once they returned, the master whisked his apprentice off to his room placing him on the narrow bed, his lean form still tucked neatly within master's oversized cloak. It was only as the master laid the boy down did he note that the boy was already fast asleep. He took a moment to trace his padawan's brow lightly with a single, calloused finger. Again, the master found himself startled at the youth and vulnerability revealed in his padawan's sleeping visage. Qui-Gon felt a stab of pain as his mind traveled back to those moments on the platform. There was so much hurt, so much pain, so much anger hiding inside the boy only waiting for one last push, one moment of weakness to come rushing out in a torrent of wild emotion. A torrent that nearly cost the boy his life.

Qui-Gon shuddered as he pulled away from the bed, his back pressing against the wall as he slid down bonelessly to the floor. He pulled his long legs into his body, bending at the knee, his feet planted widely apart, his outstretched arms resting over his knees. He hung his head low between his shoulders. He just sat there, unmoving, his body mocking a stillness his mind could not achieve. The master knew he was far too off-centered to meditate, his thoughts and feelings too much of a frenzied jumble to sort and release, so he didn't try. He simply allowed himself to feel, to let his mind and emotions freely run their course without study, without judgment, without control. The practice was decidedly not very Jedi, but nothing in Qui-Gon's experience had prepared him for the profound anger and anguish wrestling within his chest; a depth of pain he had maybe only felt once before with another padawan...