In The Shadow Of Her Smile

Chapter 8 - Scar(r)ed

We were sitting on the same park bench as the first time.

She was looking at the stars again.

Everything was different now that we knew each other's secrets. But God knows if good different or bad different.

"Why do you always look at the stars?"

She didn't move her eyes from them as she answered - "They are so beautiful, and so far away. Far away from me, from my problems, from my misery, and when I look at them, I feel like I'm far away feom all that too." - it may sound strange, but I could understand that completely. It made sense, and I knew she wasn't lying 'cause now that she said it, I could see it in the was she looked at them.

In the way she looked at everything.

The way it made her eyes seem just a bit less sad.

"I'm sorry."

I was silent. I knew she was talking to me, and I understood looking up made things easier for her, but for once I wished she'd look at me when saying something important. That she would care enough to try to make me feel her words.

This was I felt like she was always talking to the stars.

Silence.

"Caiden, look at me." - she was looking at me, just as I wished, and I wondered if it was a coincidence, or if she could feel what was bothering me - "I'm sorry."

That was all she said before she stood up.

I closed my eyes, and as I did that,vI heard her step forward, but then nothing.

I opened my eyes to look and saw her coming back, and sitting so that she was completely facing me.

And I kind of felt the need to turn at least a bit towards her.

Then I remembered the look she had just minutes ago, and felt my chest tighten, scared of looking into her eyes, not wanting to see that look again.

"Caiden. Look at me." - I was of no use if I was scared, so I took a deep breath and did what she said - "I hurt a lot od people, and I didn't care. I am hurting a lot of people and I don't care. And I'm certantly going to hurt too many more people, and I can guarantee you I won't care."

I didn't like where this was going, but I wasn't able to break her stare, just as I wasn't able to hold it the first time.

"But that is not because I want to hurt them," - her eyes turned so sad, in just a moment - "but because I just want to stop them in hurting me."

Her eyes were full of tears again.

"I could be pretty, but I don't want to. I could take care of what I wear, but I choose practicality. I could take care of my face, I could heal the scars I made, but I just keep adding them.

I could be social, but I don't want to. I could make thousands of friends, but I push them all away before I get the chance. I could be more available, but I turn off my mobile data or wifi and I don't install any social networks.

I could be a good person, but I don't want to. I could cover up the bad things about me, but they are the only thing I show, and I show them even worse than what they really are. I could show how much I care about people, but I choose to lie and pretend I don't."

She didn't have tears in her eyes anymore, she was completely sure of what she was saying, and not embarassed a single bit.

"And do you know why I do that? To make sure people hate me. To push them away before they come near. Because I became all that I show, because they made me that way, and I don't want to have around anyone who is not ok with me being like that."

She still held the stare, and I still couldn't break it.

"What about you?"

I almost forgot I could speak, amd I surprised myself with how easy the words came to me, how easy they came when I didn't have to choose them carefully, but told what I really thought.

"I would prefer someone like you, someone who is aware of their flaws and doesn't hide them, but instead embraces them and wears them like some would wear jeweleary, than someone who is perfect, who has no visible flaws. And you know why?" - I saw in her eyes how eager was she to know - "Because this way, I know you're real." And because this way, I can start healing myself.

She nodded and relaxed in her seat, but still didn't break the stare.

We just sat there in silence, looking at each other, when she smiled - "You know, sometimes I think I am not worthy of looking into the stars, that I am too sinful. And I think that's why I didn't look into your eyes up until now, I didn't think I was worthy."

"What changed?"

"Nothing. Nothing at all."

She smiled. And I did too. For real.
I was not scared anymore.

"But you know, " - hearing her voice made me focus on her words again - "sometimes nothing has to change for things to be better. This " - she gestured on both of us - "didn't change what happened to us, didn't change how we act, but... But I feel better." - she said still looking into my eyes, suddenly seeming...not even less sad, but happy.

And for the first time in years, I felt happy too.