INHALE/EXHALE

Chapter 5- Is it over after a week?

Tuesday 5th September

Many more x-rays later and there's minor progress with my lung. The chest tube is attached to a pot which has about 7cm of liquid in it. Each time I breathe out it would bubble, bubble and bubble away, with the water enabling the trapped air to be removed from my chest. Fascinating to watch when your stuck in the same room with the same faces for 7 days.

I'm being connected to some sort of power machine on the wall behind me, the other end of the tube then attaches to my chest drain. The nurse turns it on full whack. "S-s-s-stoppp!", I attempt to scream at my nurse to tell her to turn the power off, that was scary. The suction was so powerful it was forcing the air to be released from my lung, yes it was meant to feel like that but it hurt and shocked me. I couldn't breathe for at least 10 seconds before she turned it down, which then put me in panic mode making things a lot worse for me.

My stomach has become solid to feel. I believe that the injections they stab me with in my belly every night has caused this. Also, it may be all the medication they are giving me causing constipation. You can see the millions of tiny holes in my stomach area from being pricked with the needles. The doctor came round to speak to me at half 8 this morning, to talk about what the next step was going to be.

Surgery.

This was the last thing I hoped would happen, never-less I kind of knew it had to happen anyway. It's already been a week and the chest drain was just not being successful. Plus, they've cancelled this operation three times already this week. The experts said usually they would not leave it this long and after day 10 they will 100% need to operate. Half an hour later and my mum arrives at the hospital, I told her what the doctors were speaking to me about this morning. Surgery. She glances into my pupils seeing how upset I'm getting and says, "It's progress right? At least this will all be over with if it's successful". If its successful, yeah thanks mum because that's just what I want to hear right at this moment, as I'm crying even more tears. How can I cry anymore than I already have? I'm baffled. I could put Noah's arc in the ocean of tears Iv made since arriving here.

Thursday 7th September
6:48am

"Breakfast Miss Williams", as I'm ferociously rubbing my eyes, squinting to the fierce sunlight shining through my steamy windows. Another bowl of Weetabix left to go stale. Another breakfast I can't hack to eat. Another breakfast wasted.

I just can't do this anymore! I'm so fed up with life and how cruel this world can be. Why can't I just be like any other 'normal' individual? Oh no I tell myself, the word 'normal' shouldn't be labelled to any specific other. Do you know why I'm saying this? Because what really is normal? What is normal to you?

Lying here with my laptop on my extendable table, watching 'The Duff' movie, wishing I had the appetite to be scoffing my face with chocolate. Since being in here, the last thing I think about is food if I'm honest, my appetite has just been so off. Lost. Not even a slight crave for chocolate is strange for an obsessive like me, and I have a huge shopping bag full up with loads of munchies I just cannot hack to eat.

Anyway, what was I was saying before I got carried away? Oh yeh I'm lying there watching 'The Duff'' movie and my doctor makes another appearance, but this time to talk serious business. "Miss Williams, me and a few of my colleagues have had a small meeting to discuss you and your situation. We really need to operate. After looking at more recent X-Rays, we have identified you have 'blebs' on your lungs, which have burst and caused a tare". When a 'bleb' ruptures on the lung, the air escapes into the chest cavity causing a pneumothorax, for us people outside of the medical world we know it best as a collapsed lung.

Wow! Again I'm here deep in my thoughts. In the same position, same bed, same room, ward and hospital. Change doesn't seem to be possible in this place. How does one have such mysterious illnesses? Such that I have a blister-like lung, or two. It's so crazy! How have these 'blebs' even formed and grown on my lungs? Like, the purpose of my lungs are to help me live and breathe, not the opposite.

"We will be doing the surgery tomorrow morning, your nurse will be round shortly to prepare you". My accelerating heart beat triggers palpitations and I'm losing my breathe. Haha! Does this sound familiar? Moments later my nurse shows up, I mean I know the doctor said she'll be shortly, but we're talking 5 minutes later. More nervous I've become. She's holding a clip board of forms and a pack of what look like stockings, I recognise these from previous operations.

"Hello again misses, please may you fill out this form, signing here and here, if you read through the forms you will have an improved understanding of what is going to happen tomorrow morning", whilst placing the packet onto my table. Signing my life away and scribbling my signature, I hand the clip board back. I haven't read through the information, I never do just because I prefer not knowing all the details. Well that's another thing out the way, just got to wait on surgery now! Not that I exactly wanted any of this to happen.

5:47pm

I have ordered pork chop and gravy, peas and roast potatoes for dinner with orange juice, a bread roll and ice-cream for desert. The only thing I didn't eat were the peas, they are the one green vegetable I dislike. The rest of the food was actually nice for a change. Mum puts on another film, we watched a romance, were just as soppy as each other crying to the ending, but everyone loves a pleasant ending right? It's a shame this journey hasn't ended just yet, lets hope it ends well.