Unintended Reconnection

Part 5 - Izaya

This must be my punishment for all the shit I stirred up in this city. I don't know why I thought I could get away with doing whatever I wanted without consequences. Although I'm an atheist, I'm under the impression that someone is up there laughing at me right now. My pain clearly amusing to them.

But it's not solely pain, is it? It's more like... emotional upheaval. I'm suffering through some inner struggle with a part of me that I have denied for too long. I think all that suppression has made that hidden part of me rear its ugly head with seemingly reckless abandon.

I don't know who I am if I don't hate Shizuo with every fiber of my being.

That statement in itself is horrifying. If I had been questioning whether or not I define myself by that man, the answer is painfully clear now. I don't know what to do with this information. I don't know what to do with it and I can't deny it anymore.

I'm staring down at my phone debating on what to do. I'm very tempted to call Shinra to see if he would be willing to meet up with me. I think he's the only person who I would even consider talking to about this. Hell, for some reason, I don't think he'd be all that surprised.

I'm not paying attention to where I'm going but it doesn't really matter. I really should be heading to the closest subway station and getting the hell out of Ikebukuro. Maybe distance really is the thing I need. Although, it didn't help before, did it? Some day in the future I'll just be back here exactly where I am now. Confused and wandering these streets trying to figure out what I'm feeling.

I guess I do know what these feeling are... I just need to come to terms with them. Or figure out a way to extinguish them. The latter seems like a more pliable option in this situation. My thoughts begin to wander back to what he would say... Yeah. I definitely need to figure out a way to get this insane notion out of my head.

I'll call Shinra. Maybe he knows of some way to brainwash this out of my head... or maybe he knows of some crazy experimental program that can...

Before I can finish my thought, I feel myself getting ripped out of the street and thrown onto the opposite sidewalk. Someone pulled me out from in front of a car that was careening right for me. I guess I really wasn't paying attention.

I blink slowly as I sit up, rubbing the back of my head, trying get my bearings. "Who..." I start to ask then pause as I look at the center of the slowly gathering crowd, my heart stopping. "Why?"

Shizuo is hunched over on the sidewalk, not five feet away from me. He's breathing heavily and it looks like his arm is bleeding. My eyebrows knit together in confusion as I look into his irritated eyes. "What the hell were you thinking? Were you even paying attention to the crossing signal?!" he bellows at me as he pushes himself up to stand. He takes the now cracked sunglasses off his face and puts them in the front pocket of his vest as he walks up to tower over me.

The crowd that had started to gather collectively murmur his name in fear as they recognize him. They suddenly begin to dissipate as quickly as they had appeared. I blink dumbly up at him. There he goes again doing something unpredictable. I never know what to expect from him. I just don't understand why he would save me like that.

"Well?!" he demands. "Are you going to answer me?"

"I... what?" I look up at him with a raised eyebrow. Confusion, not condescension. "What am I answering?"

He mumbles angrily to himself and I can see him repeatedly making a fist with his left hand. "Never mind," he grumbles under his breath. "Are you okay?" he adds roughly.

I nod listlessly as I continue to sit on the sidewalk and stare up at him. I don't know how to move to get myself off the ground. It's as if he's holding me in place with his damn eyes. I suddenly miss those stupid sunglasses of his.

"Do you need me to help you up or something?" he asks quietly and when I shake my head he sighs. "Then do you want me to call Shinra for you? I think he's in town and I'm sure he'd look you over if you needed it."

"No. I'm alright," I finally manage as I push myself up off the sidewalk, playing at brushing myself off. "So, um... thanks," I stammer before turning abruptly to rush away.

"Oi!" he yells after me. "Don't just walk away from me like that you damn flea!"

I stop mid-step and look over my shoulder at him. His face is red and I can't read his expression. It's something like anger, obviously, mixed with something akin to expectation. "I... I thanked you, didn't I? I don't know what you want from me, Shizuo!" I yell before I tear my gaze away from his and shove my hands in my pockets, walking briskly away from him.

After a few minutes, I realize that he must have given up on me because I don't hear him following. I release a breath I hadn't realized I was holding and slip into an alleyway. I take my hands out of my pockets and stare at them in confusion. Why are they shaking?

Am I trembling? Did almost getting hit by a car affect me so much? I mean it's not certain that it would have killed me if I had been hit. Or maybe it was it the fact that the very person who saved me was the very same person who has threatened to kill me on multiple occasions. He almost succeeded once. The very same person who is the very center of my internal conflict.

I bury my face in my shaking hands and slide down the concrete wall I was leaning against. I've never truly known what feeling utterly broken was. I thought I had... but apparently not.

This.

This is what that feels like.