Unintended Reconnection

Part 22 - Shizuo

It's been three long days.

Three days, seven hours and thirty-eight minutes. Not that I'm counting. But, I promised myself that I wouldn't go rushing after Izaya when he disappeared right out from under me. I thought he'd eventually come back when he was ready or at least try to get in touch with me. I still don't know what is going on in that crazy head of his.

I'm almost at my limit. I need to know what he's thinking.

I'm glad I had told Tom I was going to take a few days off because I would have not been the best of company right after that shitty fight. Today, I thought I could handle it since I was starting to feel guilty about leaving him hanging. I had surprisingly made it through the day, thanks to Tom holding me back every chance he could and his constant reassurance that the day was almost over.

Why are people such idiots? Have they always been this stupid? Or am I just extra sensitive since the flea ran away from me...? It feels like they are even more stupid since I've been listening to Izaya's smart mouth. And I mean that both literally and figuratively. 

For the thousandth time since Izaya disappeared, I feel my heart ache painfully in my chest as I think about the way his voice sounds when he teases me, his playful smirk and infectious laughter. Everything that used to send me into a fury, now makes my heart do weird things in my chest. The emotions are still confusing, especially now that he has tainted my thoughts of what we had with his venomous words and sudden disappearance. 

"Damn it," I mutter irritably as I take a drag from my cigarette.

"Do you want to talk about it yet?" Tom asks sympathetically as he walks back to me with two cans of coffee, holding one out to me. "I don't mean to pry, Shizuo, but you've been acting weird all day. You were extra aggro with clients, too."

"They are all morons," I say matter-of-factually as I graciously accept the coffee. I open the can while looking down at the label. Black coffee. I wince as an uninvited memory invades my thoughts of that first morning. "I don't know if I can to talk to you about it. I don't think you'll believe everything that I have to tell you," I admit with a sigh.

"Try me," Tom asserts as he starts walking, beckoning me to follow him which I do instinctively. "I'm your friend, aren't I?"

"Okay. But, before I start, I need you to promise you won't freak out or judge me," I demand, to which he nods firmly. "Okay. Remember the other day when I showed up at the office acting strangely? The day after I had a surprise run in with Izaya after all this time?"

"Yeah. You had me really worried. But I know you, so I didn't want to push you about it," Tom confesses before taking a sip of his coffee.

"Well," I pause to take a deep breath, trying to find the courage to tell him what I had been attempting to avoid thinking about these past three days. "I told you we didn't fight but I didn't tell you what really happened. We sort of... made up for all these years."

Tom looks at me with wide, surprised eyes. "Seriously? How is...?"

"I'm not finished," I interrupt him before I get a chance to back out of telling him. "We talked a lot that night and... we ended up... I-I don't know how to talk to you about this, Tom."

He stops walking and turns to look straight at me. "What are you saying, Shizuo? Did he do something to you? Is that why you're like this? Did he deceive you into thinking he was your friend?"

I hold my hand up to stop him. "Hold on. Let me finish while I still have the resolve before you start clucking at me like a mother hen." I turn to continue walking, disposing of my cigarette and instantly lighting another. I wait until I hear his footsteps hurry to catch up with me before I continue. "So, when we were talking, we confessed that our feelings toward each other were twisted and fucked up from the moment we met... which everybody obviously already knows. But, what everyone doesn't know and what we both figured out independently over time, is the real root of our feelings. We thought it was hate but we were wrong. Dead wrong."