The Crimes of an Alpha ✔️

e l e v e n

*Darius pov*

I woke up in a cold sweat. My core was heating up, but my body was shivering. I dug my hands deep into my duvet, just to feel something, but I felt numb. This was my fifth nightmare of my father's death in this week alone. It's been a reoccurring dream for the past two weeks. It always starts the same.

I'm standing across from my dad at some table. At the table is Gabrielle and a man with graying hair and a lab coat.

They get into some heated argument, but I never know what they are saying. Suddenly, blood is ricocheting off my father's chest. The bullet comes out of nowhere, and still I can never know when to expect it. My body always jumps into action, but it's too late. Too late to see where the bullet came from. Too late to let alone see where I am. Too late to save him.

The first time I had this dream I felt like throwing up, but my body felt paralyzed. I felt sick to my stomach, but I couldn't even get out of bed.

After my father's death, I don't think I ever grieved properly and now my subconscious was trying to bring back my pain to make me truly heal. I couldn't before because I had too much responsibility just fall onto my plate. I had to take over my pack. No one else could. Beta Jenkins, Kendall's father, tried helping me as much as he could, but my journey to learning how to be a good leader was something I learned on my own. And in a strange way it made me feel closer to my dad, knowing that I kept his pack thriving.

Now, our pack was the largest it has ever been, with many new mates, families, and rogues joining. Some rogues are deemed capable to join my pack, while feral ones are sent to Xavier's. Unfortunately, I don't have the time to transport them, which sucks because I haven't seen Xavier in about a month. Yet, I still am always thinking about him. Even when I'm hanging around other people, I'm thinking about him. When I'm awake, he's always on my mind, and then when I sleep all I remember is my nightmare. So, I'm fucked 24/7. Thinking about Xavier is like being reminded of something that I can never have, like a forbidden fruit.

The best remedy that I can come up to clear my mind is shifting and going for a run. So, after my shower I put on shorts and go outside. It's 4 am right now, which I found to be the most peaceful time of the day. I've never particularly liked waking up early, but if I wake up too late I get bombarded by all sorts of issues from the other pack members.

While my family and I were supposed to have part of the house just for us, pack members disregarded their rules to tell me their problems. And it's not like I could yell at them and just ignore their problems. Plus, everyone else in my family enjoyed the additional company.  Therefore, it was easier for me to go on a run before anyone was up, besides a few guards here and there.

As I was running, my paws hit the grass covered in morning dew. My wolf relished in the wet, earthly sensation as he ran up the mountain behind the pack house. Running just before dawn was the perfect temperature, and running in the woods at this time is one of the best experiences ever. Every single time I run up the mountain I feel liberated. None of my problems matter. And as my wolf carries us up the mountain, making the trees look like green blurs, for a second I know who I am.

But the moment I sit down in front of the little pond at the top of the mountain, all my questions and anxieties enter my head. I'm forced to reflect. Looking down the mountain, makes me wish I could spend the rest of my life running because then my mind stops questioning. I stop wondering how the person, who was supposed to show me love like no other, could take away my father from me. How I could miss Xavier so much and feel just as much under his spell the day we hooked up. How it took all of my willpower to not message him, even though he never once tried texting me. How my nightmares I had almost eight years ago resurfaced. How Gabrielle vanished.