By Your Side » Harry Styles [ON HOLD]

Risk

"No." I said firmly, for what seemed like the hundredth time.

"Mr. Styles please try to understand." Dr. Cameron pleaded, thrusting the clipboard in her hands towards mine, again.

"I fully understand Dr. Cameron." I said, pushing the clipboard away from my body entirely.

I could recognize that she was losing her ability to stay calm, I wasn't exactly being the most co-operative person out there "This could save her!"

"Yes it 'could' save her, but what if you're wrong? What happens then?" I asked rhetorically, I already knew the answer to my question, and so did she. "If you're wrong, she's gone."

I couldn't even get myself to say the word 'dead' out loud. It hurt too much to even think about her leaving me, leaving this world.

"Uhg!" she screamed, before leaving me alone in the small room that she pulled me into, needing a private area to talk to me. She stomped out of the room and I was expecting her to slam the door on the way out -but she didn't.

I stalked out of the small room, leaving a fair amount of space in-between the doctor and me. I made my way to Beas' new room. They called it a "cold room" since it would freeze her body, temporarily stopping the "rash" from spreading.

She had been in this room for the past forty-eight hours, and I hadn't slept a wink. Physically could not get my body to fall into oblivion. Either in fear that something bad would happen to Bea in the time I was asleep, or, knowing that my dreams would torment me and be worse than reality. I haven't left the hospital since the day I found out. I barely let go of Beas' hand.

I had been surviving on multiple cups of coffee and the anxiety that was eating me alive. My brain kept coming up with worst-case-scenarios, along with constantly reminding me that this was my fault. The worst part was that deep down, I knew it was true. It doesn't matter what Liam told me when we first got to the hospital.

"There is no way that you ever could've known that this was going to happen..." Liam's voice echoed through my mind over and over again. But this time I couldn't get myself to believe them. It was my fault. It was my fault that she was on the bus. It's my fault that she isn't conscious. It's my fault that she's in the damn hospital bed. There was no one else to blame except myself.

I was going to repay Bea. No matter what it was, I was going to everything and anything for her, from this day forward, 'til the day I die. Starting with doing everything in my power to make her better as fast as I can. But at the same time, I can't risk her safety, at all, in the process, so if that meant that I would have to wait for a procedure that had no wait, I would. I couldn't just accept the very first one just to get her back sooner. I couldn't be selfish. Not when it was Bea that we were talking about.

I didn't care that Dr. Cameron probably hated me for refusing to sign the forms. I didn't care that she most likely thought that I was a horrible human being. I was used to being judged. Being famous you had to accept that not everyone was going to accept you. You had to be used to being called gay, or talentless. You had to be used to it because not everyone realizes that we are human beings, just well known...very well known.

When I reached the cold room I had to go through the necessary cleansing process. I'd done this enough times to not put any thought into it. I felt like a zombie... an extremely filthy and numb creature, only doing things because I had to. I was mindlessly going through actions that I usually did with the largest spring in my step; because I had my dream job, dream girl and dream life. But I guess not everything in life is going to be so perfect that it seems like a dream. This experience was like a bucket of cold water dumped on me, waking me up in one of the cruelest ways possible. Reminding me that not even me, Harry Styles, could have everything perfect.