The uneventful diary of a 15 year old sociopath.

6/8/18

I feel like I'm going to explode. Literally.

I don't even know why when there is nothing wrong.

I don't mean to be negative but this hasn't happened in a while. My heart is beating fast and it's like I can feel my blood running through my veins.

It was only little. My parents were going on and on about how I never talk to them anymore. I had to ignore them because I could feel it building up. I try to talk to them but it's hard when there's nothing to talk about. I want to, too.

It's like I'm too tired to, I think.

I hate that it's like that and I want it to change but I don't want to do anything about it.

Everyone goes through stuff like this right? They handle it.

I hate that I know I'm not the only one to feel this way but I'm writing this like I want all the attention in the world.

The annoying thing is, my parents a mental health nurses. It's obvious there is something wrong with me but they don't do anything about it. They've asked about it but it's not like I'm going to tell them.

When A opened up about her problems it only got worse for her.

It's not even as bad anymore. It's just every now and then.

It's not like it was in 2016 and 2017. Those were the worst years. But I never understood why because nothing bad had directly happened to me. Apart from the A situation.

I know I upset my parents but I can't help it and a hate myself for it.

Mum would say: "you never talk to me anymore I feel like you're grumpy with me. You make me feel like I've done something wrong."

I want to yell at her that she hasn't and that she's been great but I can't and she leaves. My dad is the same when he's downstairs but he rarely asked me directly. I hear him talking to Mum about it.

It's not like I want to be like this. It's not like I want to worry them!

The thing is, they know it. They know that I am like this but they still don't do anything. I wish they did. Because I'm not brave enough to do anything myself so I just wish they would ignore me saying no and just do it but I can't tell them that because that's just contradicting.

I thought I was getting better and now I get like this over the smallest thing.

I want to see someone but I don't think it's that serious. I'd probably waste their time or something.

It's so frustrating- I just want to feel fine. But usually when I don't feel like this I just don't feel anything and I don't really know which one is worse.

Usually I do and I have gotten better the last couple of months. I've gotten more confident. It's just days like this where it gets as bad as before.

But that happens to everyone right?

Sorry for being negative.