Teenager

forty seven

might be triggering for some people?? happy reading❤️

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Stop shaking, he tells himself, digging his nails into his palms, trying to ground himself.

Breathe properly, he scolds himself, inhaling ragged breaths and shuddering them out.

If you need attention, if you need care, if you need love, Gyeom, don't hesitate to ask.

Ask for help, he mutters to himself, squeezing his eyes shut while he feels them sting. He wants to help you.

He knew he couldn't use his voice, it wouldn't come out loud enough to travel through the bathroom door and across the dorm.

So with shaky hands, Yugyeom reaches into the pocket of his (read: Jackson's) hoodie and pulls out his phone, messing up countless times before he finally unlocks it and finds Youngjae's contact and calls him.

In less than a second, Youngjae's voice is filtering through Yugyeom's phone.

From where he's leaning against the wall with his knees up to his chest and eyes brimming with tears, Yugyeom feels slightly comforted by the sound of his hyung's voice.

"Aren't you in the dorm?" Youngjae's voice asks. "Why'd you call?"

Yugyeom doesn't reply, he can't reply. It feels like his tongue has swelled tenfold in his mouth and he's having a hard time breathing.

Youngjae's eyes widen from where he's curled up against Bambam on the living room couch, abruptly sitting up and alerting Jackson who was on the other side of the living room. He can piece together the fact that Yugyeom wasn't speaking and the fact that there was heavy breathing on the other end of the line any day.

"Shit, shit," he curses. "Are you in the bathroom?" He asks, immediately making his way there.

Over the phone, Youngjae hears Yugyeom's pathetic whimper as a response, and Bambam and Jackson are hot on his heels before he even reaches a hand forward for the doorknob on the bathroom door.

Once he twists the doorknob open, his eyes immediately scan the area for where Yugyeom could be. It's only when he looks around the door though, is when he sees Yugyeom sitting on the floor with his knees pulled up to his chest.

"Youngjae," he whimpers, not with tears in his eyes, but they were glassy and frantic and Youngjae feels his heart crack into two. His cheek is resting on his knees and his eyes skit to Jackson and Bambam, who are behind Youngjae. His breath hitches, and his hands start shaking more violently, for reasons which he can't explain.

"What happened?" Youngjae asks, sitting down in front of Yugyeom, who's mind seems like he's somewhere else. "Hey, focus on me."

Jackson has never been good at helping Yugyeom through panic and anxiety attacks, and he kicks himself for it because sometimes he's the only person available.

Right now, he feels really useless as he just watches Youngjae try and coax words out of Yugyeom's mouth, while Bambam has his eyes trained on the situation, not doing anything either.

"What triggered it?" Youngjae mumbles to himself, his eyebrows furrowing as he tries to think about the possible triggers in the dorm.

There weren't many.

In fact, there weren't any at all.

"Hey Yugs," Bambam says softly, sitting down beside the maknae. He takes the younger's shaky left hand in his warm one, stroking his knuckles. "Wanna tell us what happened before all of... This?" He tries.

"B-Bones," Yugyeom stutters, the redness on his cheeks only increasing. "B-Bones h-hyung." 

Bambam eyebrows furrow in confusion while Youngjae is also trying to figure out what Yugyeom could mean, all while extending the younger's legs so that he could relax a bit. 

"What bones?" Bambam asks with a frown.

"I'm proud of you for calling me," Youngjae starts, deriving Yugyeom's attention from Bambam to him. "But you need to explain a bit more baby."

Yugyeom's breathing was erratic, and Youngjae assumed that if he were to want to speak, his breathing would turn regular in time.

Except it doesn't, and the maknae is having trouble speaking while also having trouble breathing.

Bambam looks at Youngjae, as if expecting the elder to know how to calm the maknae down.

And Youngjae doesn't know, not really at least, but after everything he's told Yugyeom about having to find someone when he was having a hard time, and him having to tell someone when he needed help, Youngjae just couldn't drop his end of the deal.

Yugyeom made an effort to tell him, so now Youngjae has to make an effort to help him.

"Can you feel my pulse?" Youngjae asks softly, looking at Yugyeom with what he hoped was his warmest eyes. "Right here." He then leads Yugyeom's fingertips to where the pulse was his wrist was.

Shakily, Yugyeom nods.

Youngjae smiles at that.

"I want you follow it, alright?" Again, Yugyeom nods, swallowing the lump in his throat before trying to time his breathing intime with Youngjae's. "You can do it, I believe in you." Youngjae encourages, racking his brain for something else he could also say. "My strong little prince."

Pet names and terms of endearment, Youngjae learned, is the way to get through to Yugyeom.

In no time, because something about feeling Youngjae's pulse, having Bambam's warm hand encase his own, and smelling Jackson on the hoodie he was wearing was very comforting, and Yugyeom was breathing normally now, the redness in his face has visibly calmed down.

"Tell me what happened," Youngjae coaxes, and Yugyeom nods.

"M-Mark hyung..." He starts, and the other three who were in the bathroom already have a slight idea about what happened. "I can feel his bones. I-It's scary." It's scary because that's what I used to feel like.

He didn't need to vocalize his thoughts, because Youngjae already knew.

He already knew that it wasn't Mark which was scary to Yugyeom, and that it was the fact that Mark reminded him of his own past, that that was what was scary to Yugyeom.

Because he never wants to remember his past.

Because remembering his past puts him in this kind of situation, and he doesn't like it at all.

Yugyeom panics when he can feel Mark's bones because he remembers when he was able to so prominently trace his ribs and, if anyone wanted to, how his legs would snap in half if the slightest force was exerted.

"You don't have to worry about that," Youngjae assures, taking Yugyeom's other hand in his own. "Mark hyung is doing just fine," he promises.

"And so are you," Bambam pipes in, now also carding his fingers through Yugyeom's hair. "You're just fine baby."

"'M fine?" He asks, seeming somewhat spaced out, as if the touches he was receiving were that calming.

"So fine," Youngjae whispers in assurance, pressing a chaste kiss to the maknae's forehead. "Cause hyungs have you, okay?"

Yugyeom nods slowly, and for the first time since Youngjae came into the bathroom, Yugyeom meets his eyes.

"Okay."

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i preordered the love yourself answer album and i feel accomplished ngl