Your love is killing me Bechloe

8

A/N: Trigger Warning: Mention of self-harm.

Beca's life becomes a blur of making mixes and actually studying for finals. She can never sleep anymore, so when she's not in class, work, or at Bellas stuff, she studies and makes mixes. Plus she drinks lots of coffee. She keeps herself busy on purpose, so her mind doesn't have time to wander to a certain redhead.

It's really hard though. For seeming so strong to other people, she is dying inside. Especially at Bellas rehearsals when Chloe doesn't even look at Beca for a week. And there are times, when their eyes meet for a split second and it feels like her stomach is lurched from the sadness. She tries to just cut the pains of the whole Chloe ordeal away.

Beca manages to pull all A's and a B on her finals. It's the first sense of light happiness, because at this rate she will get her dad's blessing to go to LA. And it gets her a congratulatory Christmas gift of cash from her dad, which she will use to buy DJ equipment, obviously.

The Bellas had managed to pull a Christmas party before they all go their separate ways for break. It was a large ordeal of Amy knocking a large Christmas tree over and the stress causes Aubrey to puke all over the apartment. Beca stays behind that night to help clean up the vomit. She's trying to work on being a better person. She ends up being left behind with Chloe to clean up the whole mess while Stacie is tucking in a drunk Aubrey. It is an awkward silence filled with the scent of bleach. Beca is proud she manages to not cry in the whole awkward silence. It's a Godsend when Stacie comes back out and hugs both and leaves. Beca shortly follows after she is done cleaning.

"Have a merry Christmas, Chloe," Beca says before she leaves, and she can hear the emotion in her voice.

"Merry Christmas to you too," Chloe says, sincerely.

Within the next 24 hours, Beca finds herself back in her childhood room in Texas. She finds herself stuck in a rut on a mix, and she stares at the blank screen of her laptop screen that died about ten minutes ago. She feels the liquid forming on her eyelids as her thoughts of the ginger start to bubble up fully for the first time in a month. She hurt Chloe, she really hurt her. And now Beca herself is hurting. She cries herself to sleep with her phone in her hand that she repeatedly typed texts out to Chloe, but then erased them before sending it.

Beca rolls out of bed the next morning and slouches down to the kitchen of her mother's house. She sees the woman in her pantsuit with her back to her, pouring a large cup of coffee. Beca sits herself on the counter and waits for the sassy and tiny blonde to turn around.

"Good morning, Beca." Her mom says without turning around.

"Hey," she mumbles as her mother turns around.

Her mother groans, "Did you even wash your makeup off last night?"

"No."

Her mom rolls her green eyes and sighs, "What are your plans for the day?"

"Netflix," Beca mumbles.

"Great, just great," she tersely says.

"Give me a break, I just had finals," Beca snaps.

"I have work to go to, I will see you later," she kisses Beca's forehead and walks out of the large house.

Beca and her mother have never been particularly close. Beca knows that she was an accident baby that caused her parents to get married. And she knows her mom blames her for the divorce. It's a lot that has always weighed on Beca's mind of feeling worthless. It is one of the many bricks to the walls she has built around herself and never let anyone in. Until Chloe, who managed to break a chip in the armor of the wall, and then Beca managed to fuck both of them over.