The Need to Become Fearless

"It is not the mountain that we conquer, but ourselves."

"Jack, it really helps if you open your eyes during this. Otherwise it's kind of not going to help your fear."

"Right. Good point."

I open my eyes and immediately wish that I was anywhere else. In front of a crowded classroom fully naked. About to be pushed into heavy traffic. Any place is wonderfully more pleasant than this. My heart is beating out of my chest. How did I not realize how high up we were going to go?

Mark has one hand securely on my waist and the other hand holding both of mine. His eyes are focused on my face, which I'm pretty sure is bright red and full of panic.

"Jack, you need to breathe babe. You're as red as a tomato."

I nod my head but my lungs are not listening to this crazy man. They are shouting for me to be on level earth and doing something much less terrifying, like eating glass.

"Breathing isn't an option. I'm going to die."

"No you're not," he say way too calmly. "Just inhale and exhale. I've got you. I promise that you'll be safe."

When I actually take the time to look around, it's really not so bad. The hill we're standing on isn't so tall, and around us are beautiful trees and wildflowers, with pretty little butterflies floating around in the warm breeze.

"Did you bring me to a golf course?" I laugh as I take note of the carts slowly rolling around.

"No. Well, yes. I guess technically. But this is Devou Park. I wanted to start you off small because there's a much better view I'd like to show you soon. It over looks Cincinnati. It's beautiful. But only if you're comfortable, of course."

We walk hand in hand around a few of the walking trails, taking note of the beautiful architecture of the old houses that make up Devou Village. I smile as I think of how they look like gingerbread houses, if gingerbread houses came with the price tag of living in golf course adjacent suburbs.

Though the park is a constant up and down, I don't have to remind myself to calm down nearly as much as I'd imagined I would need to. Anytime I feel the slight pant of panic his grip readjusts and grows stronger. He's here, I can do this.

He looks at me to make sure that I'm still following what he's saying. I do, and silently thank him for all of the distractions.

"If I say no... you're not gonna leave, right? You'll be with me the whole time?" I ask with nerves on fire.

"I would never leave you, Jack." His words are so sincere they almost bring a tear to my eye, but that soft lopsided grin takes any thought of crying away.

"And you'll hold my hand?"

"And I'll hold your hand," he whispers and squeezes my fingers tightly.

"Promise?"

"Jack, you didn't leave me even for a second in the water. I will admit that you're making progress much faster than I am. And you're taking much bigger steps than I have, but I can't tell you how much it means to me that you were there for me for every step of it. That's exactly what I intend to do for you. Okay? I absolutely promise you that I'll hold you hand the entire time. And if you feel like you want to leave, then that's exactly what we'll do."

After coaxing myself into climbing this cliff of death, we're back in the car and driving across narrow streets through the more wooded areas of the part. Mark navigates like a champ, likes gone this way so many times before. Soon we make a sharp left turn next to a wooden plaque with the words "Devou Overlook," and a small arrow pointing up a steep hill. I close my eyes about as tightly as I can manage, but the gentle squeeze on my thigh makes them pop back open and take in the scenery.

"Doing ok there?"

"Yeah," I breathe, "never better."

We slow down the car to a stop way sooner than I expected, and back to him holding me close in his arms as we begin to walk. The air felt thinner on this incline, but at least I was breathing more. The feeling that I was going to faint was strong, but his arms were even stronger. It helps that it's gorgeous at every single place I turn my head. He lets me set the pace again, and we start to talk more about ourselves.

"I don't think I ever told you how I started to fear the water, did I?"

"No, you didn't."

He gives a soft sigh as he looks over at me. It seems to be painful, but he pushes the words out anyway.

"When I was about four years old, I was staying at my cousin's house in the country. He lived near a huge lake, and we were playing. I was chasing after him, and the next thing I know I was underwater. I couldn't feel anything but burning and pain. I don't know how anyone knew where I was or how they got to me so fast, but I made it back on land. I've been terrified ever since."

"Oh, Mark..." Sorrow sweeps through me at the thought of those sweet eyes crinkled in fear. That beautiful face distorted from lack of oxygen, clawing at the surface just out of reach. "I'm sorry, that's truly terrifying. You remember it all even though you were so little?"

"I remember every second of it. I can still see the whole scene play out as if it happened yesterday. That's why it's taking me so long to work through it. But I've made more progress since I've... been with you... than I have in decades."

"Is that what this is? You're with me?" I ask hopefully, trying to get his mind off of his trauma, and the roll of his eyes tells me all I need to know.

"Of course, dork. And, hey Jack? Look." He points in front of us, and I'm amazed at the view. We're right on the edge, standing as closely as we can safely. I didn't even notice us moving closer and closer, but now that I'm here, it doesn't seem so bad.

"This is usually the moment when something really scary or really romantic happens," I chuckle nervously.  "My fingers are crossed for something romantic. Falling to our deaths isn't what I signed up for."

He gave a small smile and leaned in towards me and we're kissing. With my eyes closed it feels like I'm actually flying. Floating over the entire state in the clouds with him right beside me. It's funny, but I think I may one day actually look forward to flying for real.

"Hopefully that was romantic instead of scary," he mutters.

"Actually, it was a bit of both."

"Ah, good then," he chuckles and places another gentle kiss on my cheek. "Then it should keep you in the same frame of mind when I ask you, just so that we're completely official... Jack, will you please be officially my boyfriend?"

"And if I say no?" I tease him and he clutches at his chest in mock defeat.

"Do you really want to turn me down when I'm standing on the edge of a cliff?"

"No," I giggle, "I don't ever want to turn you down. I'm so happy to finally and officially call you mine. Mark, my sexy pilot boyfriend. It has a nice ring to it, huh?"

"Not as nice as just, 'my Jack.'" And in just a second his lips are hot on mine once again.