Blue Eyes (bxb)

Forty Four

What had I done? That question ran riot in my head, like an alarm that wouldn't turn off. I stared up at my ceiling, just like I had all those nights when Finn was tangled up in my arms, and I could almost feel his breaths hitting my chest again. My eyes were puffy from crying so hard, but now I was dry of tears, of emotions in general.

I was numb.

I'd lost the person I cared most about because I was a dumb slut only interested in satisfying his erectile needs. How could I let this happen? Why didn't I fight for him? Why didn't I even attempt to apologise? God, I hated myself so much.

I'd fucked up so much in the past; bullying innocent kids, cheating on my girlfriends, lying to my parents. But this was an all-time-low. This was what deep, ruthless regret felt like. That, and undeniable heartbreak, something that ached so much it made me shiver under the warmth of my duvet.

When I came home earlier that day from Finn's house, I'd stormed straight into my bedroom, confusing my parents as tears fled from my eyes like waterfalls. I couldn't stop crying, ugly crying at that.

A hollow feeling settled in the pit of my stomach, making me want to throw up and scream at the same time. I'd never felt like this before. After a break-up, I wouldn't usually give a shit and move on to the next piece of meat, but this felt like permanent damage, like my heart was smashed into a million pieces of glass and the only way to glue it back together was for Finn to kiss me again, just like he had that afternoon under the bus shelter.

My head ached from crying so much. I wanted to cry again, but I couldn't - the numbness was far too powerful. Instead, I kept my eye trained on the ceiling, tracing patterns, until I slowly drifted into an unwelcoming slumber.

"Christ, you look like shit!" Brendon gasped, as I approached him Monday morning. Bags were heavy under my eyes, the natural curls of my hair so wild they looked like a nest upon my head. I'd only slept for an hour after awakening from a nightmare where Finn was dangling from the ledge of a bottomless cliff. I was tied up and by the time I had cut myself free, it was too late. He was already long gone. I didn't fall back asleep after that.

"I'm aware," I groaned. We began to walk inside the school building, and people instantly stared at me, their mouths agape. I didn't care, though, not like I usually did. All I cared about was the fact that Finn thought I was pathetic and currently hated my guts.

God, what the fuck had I done?

I slept-walked through my morning classes, and, at lunchtime, I met up with the footy team to discuss the new uniforms that the coach wanted us to decide upon. There was a choice between a green striped one, or a plain yellow one. For whatever reason, we couldn't agree, so Matt, as team captain, suggested a voting system.

"Alright, dickheads, put your hand up if you want the green." He said, in a very demanding tone. Five boys put their hand up.

"Now put it up if you want yellow." Another five put it up. Matt counted the numbers and confusion was etched across his forehead.

"Fucking hell, you lot, I swear. That's only ten so some bell-end didn't vote." Jacob looked at me accusingly, and I rolled my eyes. Matt's gaze followed and he looked rather pissy. "Zak, for God's sake, green or yellow?"

"Neither," I muttered, resting my head in my hands.

"That's not an option. You're the deciding vote so come on."

"Look, I really don't fucking care, alright? Just bloody pick a colour, it's not the end of the world!" I huffed. Matt's eyes sterned, a cold glare forming. I'd basically insulted this whole meeting, meaning I'd insulted football, meaning I was in deep shit. But did I care? Not in the slightest.