commit.

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I've been sad for the past few days. Sadder, in comparison to my past actions. I thought I was doing better in my life. In reality, I wasn't.

Not that all my laughs were fake. They were as real as they could be. I could never hope for having another chance of being happy with everyone around me. But I got to thinking... until when?

Will I be left alone again?

And yes, that happened. Imagine everyone having their own cliques and set of friends that they could hang out. I never belonged to those. I had ones before... but they have their own set and I never joined. Sure, I love my friends, but I always end up alone.

I spend most of my time being alone. Walking alone. Eating alone. Studying alone. If someone from my set of friends invites, I'll go. It's an opportunity not to be by myself. Even so, being lonely silently eats my sanity. That I always end up with my thoughts. And they're not the friendliest bunch. They turn into the nastiest demons if I feed it enough.

I starve myself. Both physically and mentally. I skipped meals just because I don't feel like eating. And when I do feel like doing so, I eat a lot. To bear from the loneliness inside. And I don't let my demons get the better of me. I feed it with academic materials, duties, and responsibilities so that it will never think about it again.

Ha. I don't think I'm doing a good job about it. I'm progressing, maybe, but I started from scratch again. No, that felt wrong in my mouth. I never progressed. I'm stuck.

How are you? How are things going on in your life? Are you happy?

I said it so. I'll be happy. I deserve to be happy. I should be happy. But even I lost the definition of happiness a long time ago. I thought that by doing small things that would make me happy would complete a whole. But where are those small things? Even those things make me sadder.

I wish... I had someone right beside me. Physically. I don't care if it's my partner or a friend. Just someone who'd look after me. That someone I could always talk to. That someone I could be possessive with. That someone I could be myself.

Living my life tasted bitter. Where did my sense of self go? Am I a walking fake?

Was it your fault that I became like this? No. You never did. These were the consequences of my actions. It was all my fault.

It was all my fault that I'm alone and lonely.

I'll get by, don't worry. This is just a block in the road. Hopefully, I'll recover from this.

Hopefully.