Bacon Flavored Spam

sad and personal rant

So, very few of you know I have an older brother. He's 7 years older than me, in college, and can drive. He's a grown man now, working hard for himself and wondering about a job. Then I thought about what had broken me.

When he kept moving from Wisconsin to my house for college, I felt like I was a burden. The first time my family moved him, I was crying and hugging him tight before my dad and I left. I felt so depressed that I  wanted to be with him again. We had supper at a pizza bar restaraunt and I felt normally happy, but I was dying inside. Now, since he's a senior in college, he's getting way more time with my mom, out dogs, and me. But I still feel depressed, and most times, suicidal, because he's been gone.

The next time we had to move him was to the other end of the state, so he can intern for the Department of Transportation, with a friend of my mom's boyfriend. After that happened, I was about to cry, but I held it in so it wouldn't happen again like the last paragraph stated. That night, I was a crying mess. I felt so inferior, so lost, so heartbroken that he was gone again.

And earlier today, I was thinking about what if he joined the Army, which was one of his dream "jobs", I should say. I thought about what he would do...and then it hit me like a speeding freight train. I thought about what if he had came home one night and committed suicide. I started crying and holding onto one of the few stuffies he gave me for Christmas and the baby blankie he gave me. I felt so torn into shreds about that thought. I was crying my heart out so hard. Then, I thought about how he's still with me and how much he taught me in life. I stopped crying and hugged my teddy bear and baby blankie as close as I possibly could. I now realize that it's not his fault, it's my fault for overreacting about it.

But hey, it's life, and you can cry about the baddest things that happened. It's good to cry.