Dear Fuckboi: A TomTord Satire

is it gay to touch another mans semen

Tom sighed and pushed his head deeper into his pillow, attempting to archive the memories from earlier. He threw his soaked clothes in the corner of his room in a soggy heap. A breeze blew through his window as he lay deep in thought.

He and Tord has been beating the shit out of each other.

In the rain.

Together.

Tom would try to drink to forget, but he'd always remember. What he remembered the most was Tord's putrid face in his as the two locked in combat. Tom smiled. Saying "locked in combat" made it sound super cool. That's the phrase he was gonna use when he told his friends about it. Of course, he'd also smudge some of the details to make himself seem superior. Which he was.

Tom hummed the song the two had been singing. Dammit, it was a catchy song. While they were singing, it had turned into a yelling match. Now, Tom's throat was raw, and yet, he continued to hum.

For a second back there, the two seemed like friends. It really only seemed that way to an outsider, Tom told himself. He still hated Tord's guts, and wished nothing more than for Tord to drown in his own semen. At least they had that secret place to go fight, so nobody would see he and Tord together and make false conclusions.

Tom couldn't sleep. And if he couldn't sleep, neither could the disabled shitlord. He got up and yelled into Tord's window.

"Wake up, dipshit."

Tord stumbled over to the window, looking pissed. Then he remembered that he slept in his boxers, and only his boxers. The two made eye contact for a moment, then Tom looked up, avoiding Tord all together. Tord shook it off and didn't care. He was wearing socks, and it's not gay if you're wearing socks.

"The fuck do you want?" Tord asked, obvious that he had been fast asleep prior to Tom screaming at him.

"Can't sleep," Tom simply stated.

Tord's mouth hung open, and he looked at Tom with the most annoyed expression a human could make. Tord reached over to close his window, but Tom stopped him.

"If you close that window, so help me I will throw everything I own at it until it breaks."

"Oh, so you're gonna throw a few dirty shirts and a shoe box at it?"

Tom scowled at him. He regret waking Tord up and provoking him. Now, there was no going back.

"You might not want to do that, Pussy Bitch," Tord continued, "Your parents will beat you for it."

"They aren't here right now."

"Really? How do they even get around?"

"They roll, dumbass."

Tord considered this, then said, "You should come over. I have some porn magazines."

This got Tom's attention. "I have nothing better to do," he said, shrugging. Tom raced downstairs and outside, and waited at Tord's door. The door swung open, and he entered the empty house. Boxes still lined the walls. It was so cold and forbidding, and it smelled like dust and that scent old people always had.

The two boys traveled up to Tord's room. Tom kept checking over his back, making sure there wasn't some sort of elaborate booby-trap, set to kill him. He would be surprised if this was just a scheme to murder Tom.

Tord's room was, like the rest of the house, pretty bare. He had some anime figurines set up near an old, outdated monitor. There was a lumpy looking bean bag in the corner of the room, and a pile of empty Mountain Dew cans were stashed alongside it. The walls were lined with anime posters of scantily-clad women. Amidst these posters was a single red flag that adorned a yellow hammer and sickle. Tom immediately felt an unsafe, neckbeard energy coming from the room.

Tom stood in the middle of the room as Tord sat on his bed. "Um," Tom began, creeped out by the dead eyes of the figurines boring into his soul. "Where's the... where's the porn?"

Tord suddenly smiled a terrifying smile, and said, "You fucking idiot, I can't believe you fell for it. Now I have you where I can finally kill you."

Tom backed toward the door.

Tord laughed, and, reaching towards the drawer of his bedside table, said, "Kidding. It's in here."

Tom took the magazine from Tord and flipped through it. Yeah, this would come in handy later. What's wrong with two dudes sharing porn? Nothing, that's what's wrong.

But was it wrong?

Would he be hated for receiving porn from the enemy?

Did Tord already cum all over the magazine?

Was he holding dried splooge?

Tom's fingers felt weak, and he dropped the magazine. He was sure he had felt some crust on the thin pages. Oh god, that was gross. Did he just walk right into a trap? Tom fell to his knees.

"You good?" Tord asked.

"Did you blow your load on this?"

Tord couldn't force his smile down.

Tom passed out.