Dear Fuckboi: A TomTord Satire

underage drinking is bad, kids

Tom passed out.

For like three seconds, because a merciful god doesn't exist. He must suffer.

"Hey, hey jackass," Tord said, nudging him. "You fall for that shit too easily."

Oh, okay. An interesting build up to absolutely nothing. Cool.

Tom gave him an annoyed look, snatching the clean porno mag from his hand. "I'm keeping this for my troubles, then." Tord just shrugged. Crusty bitch had plenty to go around. He was the porno mag pimp.

"Can I go home yet, or are you kidnapping me?" Tom asked, eyeing the door. He could probably make a run for it if he really tried.

Tord shrugged. He was already digging into his stash again. "You can stay if you want to watch me masturbate. I mean, I don't want that, but I couldn't give less of a shit at this point."

Tom didn't hear this, because he was already bolting out the door.

---

Ah, sunset, the end of another shitty day. That means another day closer to death.

Tord was sitting in his window, flicking through a manga. It was one he had read many times before. The ones about step mothers were his favorites. Tom watched him while reading through a real comic book. Manga is for pussies.

"Still pissy about my little prank?" Tord asked him.

"No, I'm pissy that you're still alive."

"Well, that makes two of us."

After a moment of silence, Tom suggested attempting to knock off another item on the list.

"Drink til we throw up?"

"Sure. You have anything?"

"Yeah, I'm a raging alcoholic that should probably get some help. I blame all the booze lying around on my dad, but my dad is actually just a pineapple. I don't tell that to anyone, though."

"Cool."

Tom swiped up some bottles of the good stuff from beneath his bed. Yeah, he really needed to get some help. He went down to their dumbass tree, all while wondering where the fuck Bong Water had gone. Tord probably vored the poor cat.

"You got it?" Tord was already there.

Tom gave him a bottle. "Cheers."

Tom was used to drinking, and he got right to it. Tord, who had only been exposed to smoking before this, took a cautious sip. It burned a little, but he swallowed, even though swallowing is mega gay.

"I hope you choke and die," Tom said.

"You want me to die first? I thought you were all about winning."

Tom shook his head and continued to drink. Good thing he brought extra bottles. One wouldn't be enough.

"Tastes like ass," Tord said.

"Of course you'd know what ass tastes like."

Tord mockingly laughed at his super funny XD joke haha yes funny. He was seriously about to be able to check off the item on the list soon.

Yeah, Tord was blowing chunks in a matter of minutes. That shit tasted awful.

Tom laughed. "Aw, the little baby can hold his vodka?"

"Vodka?!"

"Yeah, pretty tasty, right?"

"God, goodbye, my liver."

Tom quickly went through the rest of the bottles like the Chad he was. He only threw up a little, but he threw up nonetheless. Time to check that off the list.

---

What in the goddamn...?

Tom didn't remember much but drinking, then a searing pain in his head. He recalled he and Tord might have gotten into an argument, but that was to be suspected. So, yeah, that probably happen. But why was his head pounding so much?

"Your mum gay."

"No, you."

"No, you."

"Reverse card."

"Anti gay shield."

"Shield destroyer."

"Mega gay shield destroyer."

"Gay spell, you're gay now."

"Gay antidote, I'm cured."

This went on for hours, until things got physical, and not in the sexy way. Somehow, they began to throw punches at each other, but in their drunken states, it wasn't all that effective. The two beat each other up in a flurry of slow-motion moves. It was quite the sight to behold.

"Fuck you, Pussy Bitch." This was the last thing Tord said before they both passed out.

Tom blacked out for the second time that day, and he woke up in a police station.

Don't drink, kids.