Angels Of Hope

Chapter 32

Your suffering, your memory of it, is like a teddy bear fashioned from glass shards - the tighter you cling to it the deeper it will cut. So perhaps practice putting it down for longer periods of time, noticing when you have picked it up and it slices at your skin. You and it are separate. One day you'll notice that the bad teddy bear is gone, you lost it sometime and never noticed. You will see that your good and noble choices made a better life, something positive, and now you hold a new teddy bear, soft and warm, one that brings an inner glow and keeps you cozy under starlight and sunshine alike.

You turned every moment we spent together into painful memories. They are sharp, and cut right through me every time I think about that time. Even the sweet good moments we had are now turned into a knife that kills my already broken heart. You pierced my soul; you made me skeptical about people and love. And I hate you. I fucking hate you for that. You turned me into this broken mess, and even if I won't see you again, your touch will be with me for years, or maybe for the rest of my life, who knows. You fucked up my confidence, and I remember every single word you said, I remember how you made me feel like a waste of space. And now the voice that puts me down inside it's not mine anymore, but your voice telling me again how I will never be enough for nothing. 

Memories were the soul torturer of me.. 

I couldn't escape them, or hide from them; they were the worst kind of monster. 

I was scared of what my past held, all the memories that seemed to never escape me. They were pin point needles, piercing my skin. I couldn't scream or fight back, I had to just endure the pain as the picture of his face flashed through my mind. 

I had experienced pain before. 

But nothing amounted to this. 

I could neither hide or run or fight them. My memories were indeed my worst enemy and the thing that would most likely destroy me.

When Jake was discharged from the Army with PTSD, he refused therapy. He didn't see what good it would do.

Being around him was like waiting for a bomb to go off and after a time we left him.

That's when he turned to the bottle more heavily than he had before, now there was no-one to tell him to lay off, to say he'd had enough.

Now the alcohol was his only friend and it didn't improve his temper. Not one but.

I shake my head violently. I pound it down again and again, but my thoughts will not dislodge themselves. The thoughts about Jace.

They will drive me insane. Make me into a monster. But yet I keep them deep inside, close to my heart they abide. I want to get rid of these terrible thoughts but I also want to keep them tucked deep inside.

They confuse and anger me, but yet they are my abditory. They are my worst enemies, yet my closest friends.