20 - been a while

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it's been a while since i've loved.
it hurts too much to think about how much
i really thought i loved you.
i was so wrong,
and i hurt you in the process
of figuring out my heart.

it's been a while since i've smiled.
the way you looked ecstatic when i smiled
pops up into my memory every so often,
and it's like a tab that can't be closed.
i'm sorry you won't ever see
the smile again.
and it's my fault.

it's been a while since i've laughed.
whenever you cracked a stupid joke,
or wrote a silly note to me,
i laughed (hard),
and it made me feel alive.
i'm sorry i took you for granted.

it's been a while since i felt happy.
you made me feel happy,
and i only realized it too late -
when i had broke your trust,
your heart,
our love,
and anything i was holding on to
that could have saved what used to be. 

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