Unseen Scars

Bodily Signs: Story

     Walking outside my front door is a terrifying thought all on its own. People scare me. I feel as though every one is watching me and silently judging me. It frightens me, making me shudder at the very thought.
     I work from home to avoid human contact. I go to school online as well to, again, avoid human contact. The only person I feel comfortable with is my boyfriend, Jeremy. Jeremy knows when I have my panic attacks, which is a blessing. Before I lose my self control, I have a tendency to pace and my breathing becoms short. I also fidget a lot.

     How Jeremy and I met is actually pretty strange. My mom had made me go shopping alone and then make a phone call. So I was freaking out in the store when Jeremy saw me and helped me with the rest of my shopping. We then started talking and now here we are about 6 months later still together.

     The wind howls outside, screaming of winter. The leaves have all fallen from the trees, dead on the ground like nature's bodies. I walk away from my window and head to the kitchen for a cup of coffee. The floor is soft underneath my sore feet. Shuffling my way to the kitchen I pass by my boyfriend who is sleeping peacefully on the couch. A small smile makes its place upon my face. He looks so cute in his sleep with his perfectly arched, bushy eyebrows at ease on his face and his full lips slightly parted. I make my coffee and take a sip of the warm, steamy mixture. I can feel the liquid make its way down my throat to my stomach, warming my cold body along the way.

     I place a small kiss on my boyfriend's forehead as I pass him in hoped I don't wake him. He stirrs and shifts a bit before resuming his slumber. I watch him as he rests. His strong chest rises and falls as he breaths, his hands - scarred from countless hours of work - rest on his stomach. His chiseled face looks peaceful and not filled with worry like it normally does. I smile again before reading my book. Before long he wakes up, rubbing his tired brown eyes.

"Good morning, Tina. Did you sleep okay?" He asks sleepily. There is rarely a moment he isn't cute.

"Better than I did last night," I respond. I haven't slept well the past few nights. He slowly makes his way over and sits next to me.

"That's good," He kisses my head. "We have to go shopping today baby," he reminds me. Shopping, the one thing I hate doing. My stomach twists into knots at the thought of leaving the comforts of home.

"Do we have to?" I ask hoping he says we don't. He nods instead. Damn it.

     We eat breakfast and get dressed, the entire time I'm taking my time to delaying leaving home. I decided to wear a soft pink sweater with a pair of light blue skinny jeans and simple pair of black boots. My boyfriend is wearing blue jeans and a random loose fitting  t-shirt with sneakers. He looks good.

"Jeremy, did you remember the keys?" I ask as we walk out the front door. Already I miss home.

"Got 'em right here," he says shaking them up in the air. We get in the car and already I'm fidgeting. Jeremy grabs my hand, holding it the whole way to the store. His hand is warm and rugged.

     I have Xanax to help with my anxiety butbi left it at the house that day. While we were at the store - which was crowded - I started to feel sick. Jeremy asked if I was okay and I said I was fine. He looked at me worriedly and grabbed my hand. Soon, I was fidgeting with his fingers and my own. I wanted to puke up my breakfast. There were so many sweaty and smelly bodies around. I felt like I was being suffocated. My breathing quickened. I clutched onto my boyfriend who held me close.
     We checked out and left the store. Jeremy searched for my medication to no avail. I was still gasping for air when we got home. My heart was beating against my chest like a drum. Jeremy brought me my medication and a glass of water and held me as I took them. Everything slowed down and I became drowsy. In the end, I fell asleep against Jeremy who was holding me close against his strong chest and continuing to whisper that it's all over now.