☤ Pseudonym ☤

~Chapter Ten~

Fay and Dean had noticed something was off with me, but after I dismissed their concerns repeatedly Fay left me alone. I appreciated her caring about me but I appreciated even more her giving me the space I desired. Dean however, was a different story. 

"Something is wrong, Rennie. I can see it in your eyes. You're scared." he pleaded with me after dinner. "Ever since your detention with Umbridge, there's a distance which wasn't there before." Ever since my encounter with her I had been flinching at everything and everyone around me. I expected Barty to leap out from around the corner and beat me for my disobedience. I hadn't properly thought through what the consequences of me joining the Order would be.  

"Nothing is wrong, Dean. I wish you would just leave me alone." I said harshly. 

Hurt spread across his features and he shook his head, "You keep pushing everyone away like this, you're gonna end up alone." He turned and ran out of the room. 

Pain crushed my heart and I sat down on the stone floor. He was right. I was being ridiculous. Umbridge was nothing like Barty and I had nothing to fear as long as I had my friends. 

But still there was a nagging feeling in my brain that something was wrong. That I wasn't safe.

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The common room was deserted apart from three people at midnight on Thursday. I recognised the large mane of brown hair, paired with a flash of orange immediately. There were empty mugs dotted around after the celebration of Ron making Keeper. Fred and George had snuck in drinks which caused a small party to take shape.

I avoided this event as much as I could, but had finally relented to come downstairs as I realised I had left my potions book here. I was avoiding Dean as much as possible and the feelings of loneliness were overwhelming. I tried to convince myself that everything was fine but the nagging feelings of doubt crept in each night. 

Suddenly Ron and Hermione stood and walked towards the stairs. They wished me goodnight as they walked past. 

Harry sighed and rubbed his forehead, not noticing I was there. 

"Is it hurting again?" his head whipped round in surprise. After a moment he nodded and went to sit next to him on the sofa. "Mine hurts too sometimes." I broke the silence, for some reason feeling the need to share.

"You have a scar too?" he said confused. I didn't usually tell people about my scar. It was a symbol of the oppression I had suffered because of my heritage.

I nodded and pulled my pale hair back to reveal the thin white line that lay on the left side on my head, from my forehead to my chin. Harry leaned forwards to look closer at it. "I usually try and cover it with my hair or makeup or something." 

"What happened?" he asked, his warm breath cascading down my cheek. I moved backwards, avoiding our close proximity. 

"He did it when I was a baby, only just born. That's what Barty said." I sighed, "He said it was to mark that I belonged to the Dark Lord. No matter what I did. No matter where I went. I would always belong to him." I let out a shaky breath, "Sometimes it throbs, sometimes it burns. Usually when I am near him or a Death Eater."

"Same as mine then." he mumbled. 

The only sound in the room was the soft shifting of logs as they turned to ash in the fire. 

I saw Harry scratch the back of his hand and I reached across the grab it. "It is still hurting?"

He nodded. "I've been seeing her every night. But I think tonight was the last." he sighed, "I really hope it was."

"I'm sorry, Harry. I really am." I whispered as I looked into his eyes.

He frowned, "What for? You've done nothing wrong."

"I helped him. I...I helped Barty bring him back." tears started to pool in my eyes. "If it wasn't for me he would still be barely alive and wouldn't have killed C...Cedric." sobs conquered my body. Harry leapt up and put his arms around me. His slightly lanky frame provided a surprising amount of comfort and warmth.

I buried my head into his shoulder as he whispered in my ear. "It's not your fault, Renn. I don't blame you, no one does." 

Despite his earnest tone I just couldn't bring myself to believe him. 

-----

Something was different this time when I woke up. I couldn't move as something was restricting my body. I could feel the soft brush of something breathing on the top of my head. As I tried to move again I heard a groan as the person next to me began to stir. 

Suddenly the world around me shifted and I fell onto the sofa with a thud. "Renn?" it was Harry. 

I surveyed my surroundings and discovered we were in the common room, still in our uniform from yesterday. "We must have fallen asleep." I murmured. "I'm sorry for unloading all of that onto you last night. You need all my problems on top of yours." I looked down to avoid his gaze.

I felt the familiar embrace once more encircle me. "I'll always be here for you, Renn. No matter how big or how small it is, I want to hear about it." his words caused my heart to swell and a warm feeling seeped into me.

We pulled apart quickly as we heard the thumping of footsteps. Two identical faces popped out from the stairs. 

"Well well well."

"What do we have here?"

"A couple of lovebirds..."

"Loving?"

"I was going to say fu..." 

"I'm gonna go now." I said loudly, interrupting Fred before he could finish that sentence. 

As I left the room, I could hear Harry trying to explain the situation to them and them blatantly disregarding anything and everything he had to say.

I forced the thought of Harry and I being together out of my mind as quickly as I could. Nothing can ever happen between us, and nothing ever will. 

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