EatJin (JinxBTS+ARMY)

Chapter 3: Starvation and Desperation

Jin's P.O.V.

My head pounded and the world spun as I tried danced to our new choreography.

Key word tried: I could barely stand up straight for God's sake.

I knew it was because I hadn't eaten a thing yesterday or two days ago, nor three, or four.

I knew I was being a burden when ever I didn't eat.

I knew this wasn't good for me, or anyone.

But I couldn't stop.

Not now.

Not when I'm so close to my goal.

My goal of 112 lbs. (A/N For reference the average weight for a women in Korea is 124 lbs.)

"Okay everyone! That was good." Hoseok said. "Oh and Jin-Hyung can I talk with you?"

I gulped, what did I fuck up this time?

"Hyung are you feeling alright, because you were rather slow today." He stated.

Though the tone was soft, and I knew he meant no harm, the words flooded me with guilt.

selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish

I swallowed my thoughts, "I'm just tired. I think a little bit of rest will fix it right up!" I answered being as cheerful as possible.

Hobi bought it and gave me an understanding smile.

I felt sick.

I hate lying, but it's necessary.

'Selfish' the word stuck in my head all day and all night as I tried to sleep.

But the wrenching pain grew every passing moment.

I curled up into a ball on top of my blankets.

Tears welled in my eyes running down my cheeks like the cold sweat tricking down my forehead.

I clutched my stomach.

I knew that if I don't eat soon I'm going to collapse, especially with all the dancing we're doing now a'days.

But I couldn't.

selfish selfish selfish selfish.

The next morning my head throbbed and my stomach brought me to tears.

I went into the bathroom and saw in the corner my best friend

a scale.

I stepped on it.

A guilty, disgusting, pride dripping smile made it's way onto my face as I read the numbers:

110.5 lbs.

I looked in the mirror.

My thighs, that were covered in deeper and newer cuts, weren't touching but the gap wasn't as big as it should be.

My collarbone was defined along with my horrid cheekbones.

I removed my shirt to see some hints of my hip bone and my slightly more defined ribcage.

Once I brushed my teeth and hair, taking my time because we don't have a schedule today,

I made my way to the kitchen.

I was going to to do what I knew had to be done.

The walk to the kitchen was painful.

I cold barely support myself, so I used the wall.

I almost passed out at the effort of pulling the fridge open.

Once I laid eyes on the food my stomach painfully rumbled.

With a shaking hand I grabbed an apple.

My demons screamed at me causing my head to throb even harder.

I took a bite of the fruit.

And another

and another

and another until I finished the apple.

'Don't throw up. Don't throw up. Don't throw up.'

Was all that was running through my head as I sat on the bathroom floor for the past five (5) minutes

Trying to keep everything I just ate inside me.

And much to my relief I managed to.

Once I decided it was safe I got up and exited the bathroom.

It was still hard to stay up right but I managed as I made my way through the dorm to the living room.

The world was dull once again as I sat on the couch.

None of the channels on T.V. interested me (A/N: We don't believe whats on TV... Sorry)

and I felt terrible anxiety tearing me apart from the inside out.

Why did I eat that?

FAT FAT FAT

SELFISH SELFISH. SELFISH

GROSS

HORRIBLE

All these thoughts made my head pound

I just wanted them to stop

I just wanted them to go away

I just wanted....

to die

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A/N: Very angsty chapter today :) Anyways I hope you enjoyed, see you next chapter!!