Poems

Dark Thoughts

Dark thoughts fill my head.
Laced through those thoughts, strands of happiness, joy and love.
Those moments I hold on to.

Dark thoughts come and go.
One moment a perfect day
The next I'm touched by darknesses finger.
I don't want to think this way.
I don't want these dark thoughts.
Who would?
Dark humour is how I cope.
Some people think that I am joking when I say I'm depressed almost all the time.
I'm not.
I'm scared to tell some people because I think that they will think I'm doing it for attention or self pity.
That is false.
I don't want dark thoughts.

Dark thoughts ruin my relationships.
I admit, I am blessed with a loving family and friends.
Sometimes it feels like they don't like me.
Like they want me gone.
I know it's just me thinking that.
But I do wonder if my mind is telling me that for a reason.

Dark thoughts created trust issues.
The friends say I talk to them.
But can I really?
I don't think it is fair to burden them with my crap.
To burden them with my self issues.
That is why I do poetry.
It takes my frustration and anger and sadness and puts it in a verse.

I write in a form called free verse poems.
It helps me just write down all of my feelings.
It doesn't follow a pattern.
It doesn't rhyme.
I don't want to think of what word should rhyme with depression, or thoughts.
I just want to write.

Dark thoughts go away at some point.
For me my thoughts last from a day to a week.
Then I'll be fine.
Until it comes crashing back like a riptide.
It will start again.

Dark thoughts are always in the back of my mind.
I will always feel a bit of self dislike.
That's just a part of life, right?
I might not even have depression and that is why I don't tell my parents.
What if it is just all in my head?
What if I don't have it?
What if....

I know one of my best friends might be reading this.
I don't know if she knows too much about this.
She is the one who makes me happy.
She is the one who sparks the joy in me.
For that I thank her.
(Hey there best friend)

That doesn't change the fact that I am not always good.
I'll say I'm fine.
But that doesn't mean that I actually am.
Dark thoughts will never leave.
My dark thoughts will always haunt me.
My dark thoughts.