I knew I had to find a way to talk to you more. I tried inviting you for a movie, but you declined. For good reason, you had an early class. But I was still freaking out and asking all of my friends whether they thought you were just "curving" me. Yeah, I learned that one off Twitter like all of my other English slang.
I was honestly kind of upset, but not too upset because I assumed it was the truth. That sounds so wrong, but I kinda don't know how else to rephrase that. And at the time, I didn't really like you as much as I do now, so I was okay. I feel like at that time it was still more of a deep interest in you and trying to get to know you.
I remember seeing you again during the group and being so excited to see you there. I don't know why, but I was just so eager to see you. I remember feeling accomplished when you laughed at something I said or hoping that you would look at me when I said something, just small things. I don't know, it must be normal for other people to feel that way about someone they like, or maybe not. I'm not sure because you're the first one for me that I actually have feelings for.
I remember trying to use every chance I got to invite you or get you to come out and hang out with my friends and I, so I could get to know you. Honestly though, I must have the best luck because literally like five of your friends are also friends with me. And one of them is very supportive of me liking you, so I guess that's a plus.
I invited your friend to a picnic and asked him to bring you (and another friend of course, I wasn't going to be super obvious about it). You came and I remember it being so awkward because we never speak in English. I really wanted to talk with you more, but the whole situation was kind of awkward. I still remember your facial expressions and your weird jokes you said that day. They were really cute. I also remember offering you some Chinese medicine because you said you were in pain, but it was actually because you were hungry (I think that's what it was, everything was happening to fast for me).
To be honest, I never wanted to talk about this and I hate feeling like this, but when you and your friends invited her.... Um, I'm not going to specify who, I mean you probably will never read this, but yeah. I kind of got... not necessarily jealous, but I guess cautious. Well that's not the right word either. I was scared. She knew you longer than I did, you're more comfortable with her. She's skinnier than me. And I hate thinking about that and comparing myself to others, but I just can't help it. I told you that I was recovering from a problem and my body image is distorted. That's why I compare myself. I really hate doing that. I want to be confident and I want to not be scared. I don't even know if I have a right to because it's not like I own you. You have a right to do what you want and be with you who you want. It just scares me and I know I'm being selfish. That's why I keep it inside and I don't want to tell you.
I remember you being really awkward at the picnic and I made efforts to make friends with your friends because I don't know. It just seemed like the right thing to do. I hope I didn't overwhelm you because you have different humor from mine.. I remember just wanting to talk only to you that night, but I knew that would be weird and kind of rude to everyone else.
I decided to speak with everyone and try to make friends. I also made efforts to speak with you, but I noticed you kind of noticed me only a little which did make me sad. I'm not going to lie. I'm a little sensitive. I would say I'm sorry, but that's just who I am. I wanted to find more reasons to speak with you and I tried really hard. It was kind of sad, haha. I was so desperate to get you to talk to me. Well not really, but I did feel some feeling of desperation inside.
One the way back to campus, we spoke to each other more and it was nice. I was really happy that you spoke to me. But it also scared me. I got scared because I know that I like you more than you like me. I can't just drop everything and stop liking you, it's not possible anymore, I'm in too deep.
That night I broke down and got very sad and kind of cried. I don't know how to say this, but I felt bad for liking you. I have a lot of issues. A lot of unspeakable issues. Who wants a girl like that? Who would want to be with someone who is as messed up as me? I would stress hell out of you and you'd probably think I'm crazy. You don't deserve that. I thought I was scared of getting hurt, but I think I'm scared of hurting you.
