I ended up calling my friend and telling him about you. He reassured me and told me that everything would be okay. I feel like you guys would get along... actually, I'm not too sure. You guys do have some similarities though. It's just so weird because I remember telling him how I was so scared to tell you anything because I was afraid you would feel burdened or overwhelmed. Because a lot of my stories are quite overwhelming, haha. My friend told me that everyone has issues and that's what makes them human. That made me feel so much better... He's actually the one who told me to go ahead and ask you out.
I was so nervous to ask you. I was scared you wouldn't want to spend time with me or you might not feel that comfortable with me. When you said yes, you have no idea how happy I was. I screamed and jumped around like a little kid. I told all my friends and I remember wondering what I should wear. I couldn't wait to go with you. To be honest, I didn't know why I felt that way. I was infatuated I guess. You were so different from anyone I've ever met. And that really interested me and pulled me in.
I started freaking out and even googled how to speak with guys from your country. I just wanted to make sure I didn't mess anything up.
Remember when I sat next to you during dinner? That was because I hoped that you would talk to me. I was kind of sad because I felt like you didn't really pay attention to me that day. Your friends noticed me more than you... and it hurt. A lot. It makes me upset that it affects me so much. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to hope for your attention or be conscious as to whether you think my jokes are funny or if you think I look nice that day. But I do.
After that I actually went to my friend's room and cried because it actually hurt me that much. It sounds dramatic, I know, but that's how hurtful it was to me. Everything makes me worried... It's because I care and I... I don't even know, I just really care. I'm scared and I just don't want you to hate me. I don't know why I crave so much validation from you. I should only look for my own, but I continue to hope for yours.
Remember at the discussion meeting when I brought onigiri? I actually made them for you, but you walked in with food and said you didn't need any. I was too embarrassed to tell you that. I was so angry. Haha, it's so funny to me. Why do you do things that give me hope? You would come over near me and pretend to do something else and smile and talk to me. I could tell you were doing it to come talk to me because you wouldn't even acknowledge the person you were standing behind. It made my heart flutter because you would react to everything I said and give me that smile. You know which one, the one that teases me. I hate how I can't erase it from my mind. Every time I think about it, I smile, but then it makes me sad.
I remember being super worried that day that you might not remember the date or you would bring someone along. I messaged you to make sure and I was so nervous I got the bus schedule wrong. You told me that and I sent you a joke, but you just read it and didn't reply. That made me so scared that I made you upset or you just didn't think I was funny.
I literally took four hours to get ready. I was so excited and I wanted to make sure I looked good and I don't know. I was just really happy and I couldn't wait to see you. When I saw you cross and walk towards the bus stop, my heart was just beating so fast. This is so embarrassing to write about, but I was really nervous. But I walked over to you and waved and noticed you weren't as dressed up as I was... Which is actually fine because it boosted my confidence, even though that's kind of bad to say. I'm just not confident enough when I'm with you, and I really hate it. You make me really nervous and insecure because I always want validation and want you to like me. I'm always scared that you'll find me annoying or not like me. I know that it's dumb and I shouldn't care, but I do. And that's why I'm so scared to like you. I don't know if this is normal. You make me feel so different and I don't recognize myself... I am being myself when I'm with you, but the person inside, feels completely different.
But even though you were dressed really simple, I thought you looked really cute. I remember our outfits were kind of matching because you were wearing a turtleneck too. We looked like a couple which secretly made me kind of happy.
I loved sitting next to you on the bus and hearing you talk about yourself and your family. And just talking to you in general. I just really love it. It makes me feel so happy and I mean it. Your gestures are so cute and I just don't understand why.
I also love how stubborn you are and how you always act like you know what you're doing, even when you don't really. I remember you telling me that you knew where we were going because you've been in the area before, and literally told me to put away my phone and GPS because you knew it. We walked and you kept saying that you might be wrong and we might have to turn back, then we found the store and looked at me so proudly with a grin on your face and said, "See, I knew right?". You looked so childish, but I love it.
I also love how people thought we were a couple and you didn't deny it. It gave me hope. I know it sounds kind of dumb, but it really did. It made me really excited and happy.
You really made my heart almost skip a beat when you realized that I couldn't eat from the menu and turned to me immediately and said in Japanese that we could go somewhere else. You asked me multiple times and even tried suggesting other places. And that made me so happy. You're so considerate and it made me feel really special. I'm not sure if it was because of your personality, but it made me feel like I was special. Thank you for that.
I love how when you eat, you do this thing with your fingers. You literally suck on them after you eat and you resemble a five year old to me. I remember asking if you need a napkin and what you were going to do, and you literally rubbed your hands together and almost wiped it on your pants. I stopped you. And I handed you a tissue and you smiled and thanked me.
When we went to the cafe after going to the pizza place, you were so sure and so stubborn, but we were going in the opposite direction. Once I pulled out my GPS and said we were going the opposite way, you said, "I remember now, you can put it away." I found that so funny.
I remember going to buy the tickets for the movie and I saw another movie I wanted to watch, and you even offered to switch movies and said we could watch whatever I wanted. That was really sweet of you. When you did that I thought you were very kind.
When you bought the tickets for the both of us, to be honest, my heart skipped a beat because you looked so cool and so sweet in that moment. I was also really nervous and I felt bad for making you pay for me. Especially since movies in America are a lot more expensive than I thought. But you were nice and told me that you would pay for the tickets, so I could pay for the lyft. I'm not sure if it was on purpose, but the lyft is definitely cheaper than the tickets. Thank you for trying to make me feel better about that though.
Oh! And you make these weird jokes that aren't funny at all, but make me laugh. Like when we walked in with outside food and I told you that they would tell you to throw it away. You told me you would leave the venue, eat your food and come back. Then you laughed at your own statement. I really don't understand your humor, but the way you smile and the way you sound so confident when you say those things makes me laugh so hard. It's really cute. I mean it. I love it when you do that. Even though it can be annoying at times.
