I remember asking you to take a picture with me afterwards while we waited for the lyft. You agreed to even take the animal filter photo after I begged you a couple times. I always look at those photos and smile because they remind me of that day.
When our lyft came we spoke for so long, but it felt so short. I know the driver took the longer route too. Haha. That was really nice of him. I also remember getting out and not wanting to leave back to my dorm. I still wanted to talk to you and get to know more about you. You told me about your mom and she sounded so cool. Then I said I would like to meet her someday. Then all of a sudden you asked me, "Do you want to meet her now?" To be honest that shocked me so much, but I was happy. We walked over to my dorm and sat in the lounge and tried calling your mom twice, but she didn't answer. You looked kind of disappointed and that was really cute.
We spoke about a lot of things and just got to know each other. You were extremely open with me and told me a lot of stuff about you. I don't know. Maybe you're just open with everyone, but I appreciated it. And I felt comfortable around you and let you know some stuff about me. Of course I couldn't go into depth because I wasn't ready, but just being able to tell you those small bits was a big step for me. I trust you and I feel safe when I'm with you. Which is weird because you also make me feel nervous when I see you. My heart pounds so hard and I feel my cheeks get hot.
This night is the moment I actually began to have feelings for you. When I told you about my brother and I didn't tell you all of the details that night, but you made me feel better. You actually listened to me and took the time to console me. After you did that, I fell for you right away. It really came out of nowhere and I was so confused because I had never actually liked anyone properly before. I really couldn't believe it.
Oh, I also remember when your friend walked in and was asking about Japanese and you told him to ask me because I'm better at it. He asked me when I was free and I ended up just giving him my number because I'm never sure about my schedule. I remember your face looked so jealous. You turned to me and told me that you were joking and I didn't actually have to give him my number. I didn't realize you were jealous at the time though, so I just said, "Why? He needs help with Japanese right? If he needs help, I'll help him with his homework." I was so confused as to why you were acting that way when all I did was give him my number. I guess you had assumed that I was interested in him or that I just hand out my contact to everyone and that it's nothing special. The difference is, when I text you, I look forward to your replies and I definitely do not text you the same way I text everyone else. I can guarantee that.
I still can't believe we were there until one in the morning just talking to each other. I miss that. Being able to meet up and just talk to each other. I didn't think I would miss it so much but I do. I miss being in the same room as you and being next to you. I don't even have to be next you. Being in the same room with you just makes me happy. Wow. I guess I really like you. Haha.
I was so confused because after the first date you started acting different towards me. You were very distant which I found odd because I thought the date went well and I really had fun. I assumed that you didn't and were being nice and going along with it. I felt sorry and embarrassed for forcing you to be with me so long when you must've wanted to leave. I worried that I probably bored you and you wanted to leave, but didn't know how.
You would read my messages and not respond for hours and sometimes not even respond at all. I would invite you to go out, but you would tell me that you were too lazy or you had just gone out and were too tired to go out again. And when I would invite you to do activities that didn't even involve going out, you would ask questions and give me a hard time about the activity. I started assuming that you didn't like me very much and probably were annoyed by me.
But then you would do things like calling me cute or stare at me intensely which confused me. And the way you look at me. You look at me so intensely and like I don't know how to describe it. You look at me like you're in love with me and most of the time I don't know what to do. Because I'm not very expressive. I'm also not comfortable with intimacy at all. I think it partly has to do with my culture and also the fact that my family dynamic isn't the best example of what "love" looks like. I've seen too many unhappy couples and so many broken relationships to actually believe that I can obtain "love" or actually be in "love".
The word "love" also makes me extremely uncomfortable. It's scary. It makes me feel weak and vulnerable. I'm scared that if I say it and someone leaves, I'll be broken beyond repair. I feel like I'm like a mirror that's been smash and taped together. I've had too many situations where I've been hurt and I feel like there's a limit to how much I can be repaired. I don't know how else to describe it. I just feel like if I tell someone that I love them or that I care for them, and they just decide to leave, I'll shatter into a million pieces and I guess be disposed of.
I'm so scared because I have so much baggage. It's not fair to you to be with someone that has so many issues. I'm sorry to you. I know that you would hate to hear me say that because you don't like it when I bring myself down or say anything negative about myself. I'm sorry for that too. I try to be positive and happy as much as I can. But some days it's just really hard to keep smiling. It's hard to get out of bed and it's hard to keep trying to fight the feelings.
But the thing that I'm most afraid of is you feeling burdened by me and leaving. I'm afraid that you'll realize how problematic I can be and you'll realize that I'm not as great as you think I am.
You're so amazing to me. I'm serious. I never tell you that, but I like your personality and pretty much everything about you. I just think you're so great. Even if I joke about you or roast you, I really do think you're amazing. I think you're one of the most amazing people in the world and I actually mean it. Your happiness means the world to me and that's all I want for you. I just want for you to be happy. Even if it means that I'm not there. Which sounds depressing, I know. But I truly just want you to be happy no matter what and I'm willing to make sacrifices for that.
