Persistence

Text Message

I have a feeling he won't ever actually read this text message I sent him lmaooo and I thought someone should read it. I'm literally posting this as I wrote it, but I'm removing some names. Too bad he hates reading lmaooo! I also left in the bribery for him reading the whole thing but it doesn't apply to my readers here lol

I'm really grateful that you came with me today to guidance even though it sucked for you. I literally could not have gone alone. And im sorry I tried to make you listen to that god awful song. I just didn't know what else to do.

This is probably gonna be really long sorry. Please actually read it though. I can bring extra food if you want.

I want to push everyone away from me. Since I started taking the medication I have felt not like myself, too extroverted I guess. Right after I started the meds I told you I liked you and I honestly wasn't sure if it wasn't just the meds talking because it seemed so absolutely wrong at first but I kinda realized that it wasn't the case. Because I really realized that I liked you when you reminded me I liked girls. Almost Nothing anyone has ever said hurt so badly as that did. Because it was such a conflicting moment. As I said before I've felt really fake lately. I feel like I've been pushing myself in the world and things have been happening. Like my world has gone from static to dynamic in only a few weeks to put it in writing terms. That doesn't actually help you does it? Sorry. Like how normal people's lives work. Anyways, the last few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster for me and it's probably really unhealthy for me to crush on anyone because the instability of having a crush is dangerous for clinically depressed people, like me and my psychotic symptoms. I think the most real thing I've done since the start of the meds was that poem. When I wrote it i had 100% intention of giving it to you. When i woke up i had 100% intention of burning it. I really didn't want to give it to you mainly cause, call me crazy, its okay, I'm used to it, I thought it might hurt you to read that if you really didn't want me to like you. Kinda like how I panicked at alyana. How she hurt me. And then after you read it I couldn't tell how you felt about it and honestly the fact that I was so embarrassed hit me by surprise. People started to try to figure out what your reactions to things are for me but I refuse to listen to anyone because I couldn't honestly tell if they're right or wrong and I really don't wanna hear other people telling me how you feel about things thanks unless you told them. I know you don't hate me at the very least lol.

I actually started carrying around my bear because i knew i was starting to struggle and didn't want to just physically attach myself to you no matter how much I wanted to. I go back to third block after lunch every day really really depressed actually. And it's no ones fault but mine. K says it's because I'm leaving the people I love very suddenly which causes extreme mood drop. When this thing with A started up part of the reason i was so very upset was because, as you know, I'm so scared of hurting anyone. And I didn't know how, or if this was gonna affect you. I didn't wanna accidentally do anything to hurt you. Like when you said to tell her that I'm yours I didn't want you saying that to come back and haunt you. Especially if you really wish i didn't like you. Fun fact I can't read you at all. I can never tell how you feel about anything at all and it actually makes me panic a little but its not your fault. Its mine. So if you're ever trying to tell me something indirectly I'm just not getting it. It works fine with some people but not you. So mostly I try not to do that. Maybe that's a good thing for you. And you're probably gonna hold it against me now...oh well. I knew you wouldn't kill me for kissing you on the cheek because you'd mentioned others had done it before but I was super nervous you were gonna get mad at me because we'd just gotten over not talking to each other and also I'd never done anything like that before. For some reason though since then I feel like I've put up some sort of physical barrier between us and I miss hugging you but I never do because I feel like I should not hug you anymore or something. I don't really understand why though... A also jokingly mentioned that she might do something to "steal you from me" a few days ago. That's part of the reason I brought you to guidance. Because I don't want anyone to try to hurt you because of something as stupid as me. Whether that be physically or trying to get inside your head to screw you up. And don't say that wouldn't ever happen because there was once a point in my life where I could never imagine myself cutting and now look where I am. I worry and I worry because I care. And K worries too. Because she also cares. A lot. I don't really know where this is going to go anymore. Because when I started writing this I was thinking I'd end this by saying "yeah so by the way I've decided my brain has just been too unpredictable so I've decided to cut everybody out of my life" but I really don't want to do that again. Honestly being friends with you and just getting to (try to) understand you has completely changed my life; for better or worse I'm not sure which. K the optimist would say "better" but she also is convinced we're dating so her perception of reality is a little warped too i guess lol. As I'm writing this i keep hearing these lyrics from a song my mom likes: "But it was not your fault but mine. And it was your heart on the line. I really fucked it up this time" and I'm kinda wondering why that exact song but it's making me laugh cause it's kinda relatable right now to what I'm writing. Writing this has cheered me up a ton actually. Also why do you always act like you do nothing when literally you're 30% of the reason I'm fighting to keep living?????? (40% K 20% everyone/thing else) I'm not kidding, just talking to you is generally enough to change my mind. And Also I think my parents like you because you've never done anything consciously to severely hurt me. Now my moms forcing me outside to take fall pictures. Im ready to freeze to death. Yay.(you're probably like thank goodness she's done; my mom feels the same I've been writing for an hour)

PLEASE ACTUALLY READ THIS IM SORRY ITS RIDICULOUSLY LONG!!