Persistence

Bitch Ass Asian Boi

Alright heres something else while we're at it because i cant fucking concentrate on my writing at all. Id like to see you TRY to embarrass me about any of this. It should be FINE. I PROOFREAD it and EVERYTHING! Im scared of hurting you. And im so scared of hurting you that my fear leads to things that could potentially hurt you. Its just an endless cycle for me. Ke says it's because of my depression and lack of experience with crushes that I doubt myself so much. That I constantly put myself down about everything. And it makes me want to give up. But I don't want to give up. Not yet. Everytime too i give you the option to tell me to just ignore it and get over you but you've never said that. And everytime I think you will. Everytime I hug you i hold on so tight because you make me feel safe. Your eyes do the same thing. And thats why i like them so much. I feel like you let me be a person. You let me screw up and learn from my mistakes without getting mad (unless i really screw up) but you also actually care. Everytime I hug you though i always wonder if youre making like a disgusted face or something and you want me to go away. Because i have so much self doubt. Something about you from the very first day i hugged you when you read my story and.....cr**d (you dont like it when i bring it up..) i felt safe with you. And i dont want to give that up. But i also cant just like starfish attach myself to you because youd hate that almost definitely. So i try to hold your hand. But if you don't want to just let go. Its okay. Yeah it'll probably hurt me a little but i dont want you to be completely uncomfortable either. And the first time I kissed you i ran. So i started crying when i got back to class because i didnt know how you felt about it and I thought you'd probably be furious at me for liking you. But then you weren't so yesterday i asked. Because i wanted to do it again but id been putting it off for so long. And i asked. Because i wanted to be sure you wouldnt be mad. And after (your cheek is rly rly soft btw) i looked. And you smiled. And i knew it was okay. And idk if you realize but that smile told me all i needed to know. It gave me confidence that you werent mad. Thats what i mean by saying i cant read you ig. I don't ever know how you feel about what i just did. So I assume youre mad. And I shouldn't do that. But i have a hard time talking to you. Ig ill answer your other questions. So yes i write a heart over your name now. Big deal. It looks cuter that way. Yes I think you're hot. No i dont know why. Please stop asking. You're fucking attractive to me. Get over it. Also seriously enough with the "no one likes me. I cant get a girlfriend" bs. I like you. Im not nobody. And from what ive seen other people might like you too. No don't ask me who. I wont answer. You just dont care really/dont want to and thats fine. But just accept thats what it is. Now yeah, it makes me a little mad when you say youre okay when i know you're not. Because i dont lnow what to do. And i hate that. I hate it so much. I feel like there was no point in me going through all that shit if i dont know how to help anyone else. It makes me miserable. I want to help you. I just dont know how. I also think you dont want my help. I love you so much I don't know the words to describe it. Because no, you're not perfect. Far from it. But you always try to be there for me. And the effort you put into that. Even though you think you did nothing that little bit of effort. That little bit of someone caring. Just sitting by me while i cry and not ignoring my pain. Thats all i need to keep going. Honestly, i have a pretty decent external life. But my internal life sucks. And thats not really something i can hide from. Seriously, i try. Sometimes i get a thought and I literally try to run to get away from it. Fun fact: that doesn't work. No matter how fast or far i run the thought is still there. I won't speak for you. Your external or internal life. I don't live it. But i do know that some parts of your life, like mine, are the utmost shit. And you deserve better. But so does most everyone. Its not a competition and anyways if it was cay would win for worst external/internal life out of most everyone in the school. And yet she keeps pushing. I wonder sometimes if im weak because of that but apparently im not. Another thing. I doubt ill be able to do my 90,000 words. I've only done half my word count for today and it's freaking day 1. If i screw up now...that's it ive failed. But i wont fail till ive failed if that makes any sense. Im sorry, this is a lot. We're not really good at talking irl. Really i just write to you. Do you want me to stop doing that? Okay you can't tell anyone but no matter how embarrassed i get i secretly get really excited to give you those papers. Especially to see your reaction. And no matter how embarrassed i was and trash talking the poem i spent all night on it, worked really really hard on it and was really excited to give it to you. Literally that's the longest ive ever spent on a poem. I wish it was better. I was always going to. My s just screwed it up. So yeah. I care about you. "I wouldn't worry if I didn't care" thats a quote from me. One i used to use long ago. I am proud of that haiku tho. That one. About floating and eyes and stuff. Okay this is actually so long it's slowing down my phone. I hope whatever happened you'll be okay. If you're not yet its okay. Its okay to not be okay. Dont worry about worrying other people. Just feel what you need to feel. Okau one last thing. Why tf did you think id be mad you dont like stuffed animals? Dude you hate harry potter aka my WHOLE LIFE and no i love you more than i love my stuffed animals. Stfu. So yeah. I love you mr bitch ass asian boi Jei with the hearts over the "i"s whos secretly a total Hufflepuff and also a cat. If you need anything im here for you. Just...not right this second cause i gotta writttteeeee!!! And god i rly need new earbuds. Night <3

Another text i sent