where the time went- chloe price

the 2nd letter.

my darling rosemary,

you have grown up since the last time i wrote something like this. you have just turned 16 and you are so beautiful. you laugh with you friends and then as soon as you look at me your smile leaves... i know it hurts you... it hurts me too... to know that i could have been a better mother to you. to know that joyce and caroline have had to step in and take over my role in your life breaks my heart into a million pieces but i am so grateful for them and i owe them my life. they are so much better than i could ever be.

i have just excused myself from dinner. you rolled your eyes when i left the room, you thought i was leaving to get high again, i don't want to... i never wanted to. i know you are angry at me, i am too, i am so unbelievably angry at myself for allowing this to happen to me, to you, to frank, to our family. but i am more proud of you than i could ever be angry at myself. you are so strong, rosie. i don't know where you get it from but you somehow manage to cope with everything that is happening. i know you have your secret little releases that you are ashamed about, i see me in you, but i know you are stronger than me, you will get through it all.

your friend spoke to me the other night, for the first time in years she looked at me and said words. words that i will never forget and words that broke my soul. rachel looked at me and without a second thought she said, "you are breaking her and i'm the one who keeps having to pick up the pieces for you," she turned her back and walked away before i could say anything to her. i wanted to tell her that it wasn't me, it never was me... your father he's still doing it, rosie. he does it every morning as i wake up next to him, too tired to respond to him, too sore to move and too numb to feel.

i fall asleep every night telling myself to wake up before him... to leave in a semi sober state of mind. but by the time i have woken up properly he has injected me and i am high... and by 12pm i am injecting myself. at least i am self aware... right? sorry.

i don't know how much longer i have, baby. it's getting harder for me to think and i can feel my body giving up on me... i will spare you the details but i am terrified... i feel like my body is rotting from the inside out, i wish i could just disappear and die alone so you don't have to see me like this. you don't deserve to go through this. i know i didn't ask for this but i can't help but feel so guilty... maybe if i just fought a bit harder, maybe if i never came back from your uncle tommy's. but then i realise that i would have never seen you again... i would have never seen the beautiful young woman you are turning into. i would rather die a long, painful death then never see you again.

to know that i haven't held you in so long makes my heart grow cold and lonely... you look at me with so much resentment and empty emotion now and i can't blame you. i can't imagine how angry you must be feeling right now. i know i have said some awful, gut wrenching things to you and i don't know what i can say to make up for it but i won't sit here and write excuses for it, i will just apologise to you.

i'm sorry my sweet rosie. i'm sorry for ruining your childhood and taking away and destroying precious memories for you. i'm sorry for what i have done to our home, to our family, to your brother, to you father and to you. i don't know what it'll take for you to forgive me, but please, every time you think of me, please try and remember me as the person i was before all this. my heart hasn't changed. i don't know if you think of me as one, but i am still your mother and i love you with my whole heart.

i think your father is growing impatient with me, he's made me sign forms i can't remember signing, he's arguing with me with every chance he gets... rosie i don't know what he's doing or what he is planning, but when i am gone, be like me. be stubborn and selfish around him, remind him of what he took away from us, remind him of what our family could have been and take from him as much as you can.

live the life you deserve to live, my baby. you deserve the whole world and more.

i love you so much, rosemary.

i'm sorry for what is happening, please fight the memories of me like this. it's not who i want to be.

my heart and soul is being left with you,

farewell my sweet rosie,

all my love,

your mother.

05-13-2015