Painful love[bl]

Chapter 9

"Ironically, the person for whom you are ready to sacrifice yourself is the one who ends you."

-Yu Yan

"Yu Yan, look at me" Hui Yin lifted Yu Yan's head to find his entire face stained with tears, when she stared at his magnificent blue eyes, she could clearly see the deep sorrow and sadness he desperately was trying to hide.
She immediately gripped his shoulders before opening in a serious, firm voice "Yu Yan tell me what happened!" from only the tone of her voice, it was abvious just how extremely worried she was.
Yu Yan slowly closed his eyes, he just thought of a really foolish idea.
He knew he was being incomparably selfish, but he just needed to get it out.
He desperately needed someone right now.
This might be the stupidest thing he'll ever do, but he couldn't careless.
He was tired, tired of facing everything by himself, tired of acting as if nothing ever happened.
But mostly tired of lying to all the people who cared about him.
So he said everything.
He told her everything.
From the moment everything started falling down, to when he saw her again.
"Your grand majesty, please say something!"
It's been minutes since the empress froze without saying a single word.
He suddenly regretted even saying anything, she probably wouldn't even believe me, and even if she did, it would simply bring her more pain.
What is he supposed to do now?
What was he thinking?
"please ant-"
She embraced him.
"You know what vou deserve? You deserve so much better. So many things have happened to you whether its a bad break up, family issues, friends, whatever it is.. you pulled through. You have made it this far and I'm proud of you. You truly deserve the world and since no one can give you that now, find someone that will, apologize, forgive but don't forget, find new friends. Ones that make plans with you and free their time to give you attention. You deserve all good things and don't for a second think vou're not worth it because you remind me of the sun, you hide away but always come back even more beautiful than before. "
That's all she could manage to say right now, her mind was still blank, every single word Yu Yan said, was like a sword stabbing right through her heart.
And that's because she knew everything was her fault.
Maybe if she didn't force them to meet, if she didn't force them to get married, nothing of this would have happened.
But it was way, way too late to regret anything.
So the only thing she could do now is...
"Yu Yan,
my dear Yu Yan." she paused, took a deep breath then continued.
"if you want to go, you can go. If you want to get out of this awful place, I would not stop you, and I won't let anyone stop you. And of course, you can bring Zhi Ruo with you.
You telling me everything was clearly extremely hard for you, and that's enough proof that you really do care about me.
Please, I don't want you to think you are obligated to stay in this...gruesome palace."
Yu Yan saw her smile, the smile that he didn't cherish for years, the most sincere smile, since the day he married, anyone had ever gave him.
Once again, this woman, showed him just how much she loved him.
And once again he brought her nothing but extreme pain.
Leave? Yeah maybe, it's not a bad idea.
But how could he?
Leave and let this woman suffer buy herself, let her blame herself for things that were absolutely not her fault.
Leave and let his son grow away from his father?
He would never do that.
He already made them go through enough suffering, there's no need for more.
Yu Yan stared straight into the beautiful woman's eyes, while trying his best not to think about all the horrid things he did to her.
He was not a good person, in fact he had always been selfish, the only person he constantly though about was QingYu, while disregarding everyone around him.
Forgetting there were people who cared about him more than he cared about himself.
And here he was, trying to stop hurting all those people, yet failing, once again.
And this, shattered him.
"I hurry for nothing, I go from laughter to tears permanently, I'm impulsive, jealous, moody, unstable and definitely too sensitive. And even while knowing all of this, you still love me unconditionally."
"I forgave almost unforgivable mistakes, I tried to replace irreplaceable people and forget unforgettable people. I acted on impulse, I was disappointed by people I thought I could not, but I disappointed people too. I held someone in my arms to protect him. I laughed when i should not have. I was loved and I did not know how to love. I screamed and jumped out of so many joys, I lived in love and made eternal promises, but I also broke my heart so many times. I hurt people just to hear one single voice.And all of this,is because I was afraid of losing someone very special that I ended up losing. "

"There are days when I think it's good, I'm healed, I moved on to something else. And there are also days when memories come back, days when I can not see the reality because it's too hard to forget even if time passes."
Suddenly he seemed as if he recalled something,
"...And truthfully speaking, I wanted to die, but we can not die every time there is a reason or every time a bad thing happens."
Yu Yan stopped to look at his hands, which unexpectedly,were not shaking.
Appearing as if he regained some lost strength, Yu Yan immediately gripped Hui Yin's soft hands, before continuing with a small smile, "but also as time passes, you'll realise that memories are something that warms you from the inside and tears you up violently at the same time.
You'll realise our lives need to be damaged, changed and reorganized to place us where we are supposed to be."
Hui Yin had known Yu Yan since the moment he opened his beautiful blue orbs, yet this was the first time she saw him smile so...
Peacefully.
"And plus, one day you have to stop worrying about something you could have never changed."

——————————————
"So, where is my cute little bun?" The black haired woman asked with great enthusiasm, clearly, she missed her grandson very much.
Yu Yan put down his tea cup before smiling, " Zhi Ruo had training with master Muo this evening, since he already reached the low level of a mid cultivator, his training hours increased. But don't worry, he will be here soon."
"Your grand majesty!"
Speaking of the little devil.
Zhi Ruo quickly rushed to hug his grandmother, while the said woman chuckled before picking him up, "how many times do I have to tell you to just call me grandma?" Hui Yin complained before give the small boy a loud kiss on the cheek.
"but-" "no buts!"
Zhi Ruo quickly nodded, " yes grandma!"
While Yu Yan who was watching all along, chuckled at the frightened appearance of his son.

After two hours of her majesty the empress dowager rambling about how cute her grandson was, she finally bid the two of them goodbye.
Now, it's time to go pay that troublesome son of mine a visit.