One•Shots

kasen + noah

n o a h *
TW: Anxiety/anxiety attack; the writing on anxiety in this story is written from my personal experience and how I feel/how it makes me feel. You are never alone, and please do not hesitate to reach out to me or someone you trust if you need to talk! #breakthementalhealthstigma #mentalhealthmatters

"Hey, have you seen Kase today?" I ask his younger sister, Karlee, on Friday morning. "I mean, like at school?"
"I don't think so...to be honest, I think the last time I saw him today was when we got here," she tells me. "Why?"
"I just...haven't seen him all day and I'm worried about him."
Karlee shrugs and I walk off, checking empty classrooms for any sign of Kasen. I find him, finally, sitting in the stairwell that no one uses, tucked into a corner and sobbing. I hadn't seen Kasen cry in a long time, nor had I seen him flinch. I watched him get all four of his tattoos and not once did I see him flinch or have a single tear in his eye. I walk down the concrete steps and sit down beside him. He looks up, teary-eyed, his faced stained with tear tracks. I grab his right hand that's resting on his knee and slide my fingers through his.
"What's up?" I ask him.
He shakes his head, wiping his tears.
"Don't give me that, I know something's wrong," I tell him, glancing at him.
He looks at our hands and back up at me.
I stand up, pulling him to his feet. "Come on, we're going home,"

I manage to get him inside my house and into my bedroom, where he collapses onto my bed and into another fit of silent tears. I sit in front of him, wiping his face off, winding our fingers together again.
"Do you want to talk about it?" I ask him.
He shakes his head, looking at me.
"Okay, well, I'm here now, okay?" I say and he nods.
"You're not alone," I whisper.
He nods at me again.
"Will you please say something?" I ask him desperately, not expecting a reply, and certainly not expecting the reply he gives me.
He looks up at me, grazing eye contact. "Kiss me," he says so softly, I almost don't hear it.
"You really want me to kiss you?" I ask him softly, drawing nearer to him. I have no problem kissing him, I want to kiss him, but I just want to make sure that's what he wants.
He makes eye contact with me again and nods slowly, but surely.
I move closer to him, pressing my lips to his softly, tilting his chin up. I pull away after a few seconds and look at him. He leans forward and buries his face in my shoulder, starting to shake with sobs. I hate that he's feeling this way and I can't help him.
I pull him onto my lap carefully and hold him tightly, rubbing his back, and leaning back against the pillows.

Finally stopping crying, Kasen falls asleep against me as I rub his back. I watch him as he sleeps, occasionally running my fingers through his hair and kissing his head. His arms wrap around me tighter when I kiss his cheek. After a few minutes, I kiss his cheek again and he moves an arm to settle on my chest.

When he wakes up, not too long after, he looks up at me, tracing my bottom lip with his pointer finger. He leans up and presses his lips to mine in a gentle kiss. When I kiss him back, he puts a hand behind my neck, pulling me in more and scoots further up my lap, our lips moving together softly. I put both of my hands on his waist, one of his hands still on the back of my neck and the other on my chest, right on my heart, which is beating about a million miles a minute. He smiles against my lips, breaking the kiss to look at me.
"Didn't know I made your heart pound like that," he whispers, smiling softly and looking at me.
I blush lightly. "You always do," I say.
He smiles even wider, kissing me again.

Although I want to know what happened and why he was upset, I don't want to push him or reopen the wound, so I decide to wait until he brings it up himself.
"I know you want to talk about it," he says shortly after we've eaten lunch, looking at me.
"Not unless you want too," I tell him.
"I just...I was diagnosed with anxiety a few weeks ago. I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to think differently about me."
"Why would I think differently about you?"
"That's just one of the things my anxiety does. It makes me feel like everyone hates me, and that I'm worthless, and that...yeah, anxiety makes me think a lot of things. I had an anxiety attack earlier, I knew the signs but I just waved it off because I thought I would be fine, but as you saw, I wasn't fine."
"I was just worried about you,"
"I know. Thank you, it means you care and I love you,"
"I love you too," I say softly and he comes forward and presses his lips to mine softly.

We stay cuddled up in my bed for the rest of the day, watching different Disney movies and talking about different things. When my mom comes home, she comes in to check on us and tells Kasen that we're here for him if he needs anything. My older sister, Natalie, also pops her head in to tell Kasen that he's not alone. And my younger sister, Nicole, just comes in to say 'hi'.
"She likes you," I whisper after Nicole leaves.
"Well, that's too bad for her, because I like you," he says, turning to me and kissing my lips softly.
"I can't blame her though," I add.
He laughs and kisses me again.

"Boys, dinner is almost ready," Mom says, poking her head in the door.
"Hey, Mom, can you come here for a second?" I ask her.
"Sure," she replies, shutting the door and sitting down on the bed.
"Kasen and I--" I begin.
"Are dating? I know." She says, cutting me off. She has a big smile on her face though.
"How did you know?"
"Honey, I'm your Mom! I know things! Besides, I've seen the way you two look at each other. But, if you do it, keep the noise down and use protection."
"MOM!" I say, feeling my face grow hot. Kasen laughs and I lean forward and bury my face in my comforter. Mom and Kasen laugh at me as I come back up for air, still bright red.

Since it is a Friday, Kasen is staying the night. Both his mom and my mom approved it. I'd texted both my mom and his (with his permission) earlier this morning after we'd been home a little while and he'd calmed down. I'd explained what had happened and that he was okay, but I just thought he needed a day to be away from others. His mom thanked me, and my mom said she was proud of me for looking out for him. But that's not why I did it, for the recognition. I did it because I care about him and because mental health is a serious thing. Sometimes you do just need a day or two away to breathe. (I've done this many times before, I know, trust me.)

That night before bed, Kasen cuddled up against my chest and looked up at me.
"Thank you...for everything," he said softly.
"You're welcome," I whisper to him. "You mean a lot to me and I love you,"
"I love you too, Noah,"
I lean down and press my lips to his softly.
"Goodnight, love, sleep well," I whisper when we've broken apart.
"You too, babe," Kasen whispers. Within five minutes, he's fallen asleep, and I'm right behind him.

12/17/19
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