Have you ever felt so sad that you can't breathe? Suffocating is the right word for it, your head squeezes from the inside, with untapped emotion. Heart clenches with every quake of the body. Sob after sob hits you like waves and there is no end to the storm. Oil slick tears stain your face, their weight reminds you of your struggle for acceptance.
Stomach cramps slowly emerge, drawn to the surface by every vicious wrack of the body. The fight to keep the noise to a minimum is one of the most vital battles. You see you don't want to wake your family up. Can't let them see how you really feel for the fear of having their judgement fall heavy upon you.
Pathetic.
Thats what they call you. With every call of this word it becomes harder to fight. They won't listen. No. No matter how hard you try. You've told them time and time again of the terror you feel, skulking down your spine, making your muscles clench and your heart run a race youve got no energy for.
But still you don't give up. Trapped inside your glass box you shout, louder and louder until they take notice. And still then, even though they hear you they do not listen, your heart will sink as realisation dawnes on you. Your the only one who will remember this.
What's the point in having a voice if people hear but do not listen.
You know you need there help, but do not want it. Why bother them, time is so precious and could be spent on other matters, less trivial matters. Being certain of this eats you alive, feeling your problems are smaller, less significant. Your search for help will come to an abrupt end. You will come to terms with the fact that even when you are in your house you don't feel at home.
Every emotion that once filled your body to the brimming, slowly drifts away. No matter how hard you hold on, knuckles white from the strain. There is no running from the truth. Hiding it will be your only option. A smile is your greatest disguise now, use it well enough and no one will see through the mask. Laugh and beam with happiness. As it's said those who smile the brightest cry the hardest. You are an embasador of this now. Your life has new meaning, to learn how to dodge the truth, evade the questioning stares as you create your faux personality. Your true self is reserved for your own four walls, a safe haven if you will.
A blank void is all you feel, this is your only option, the only way you can hold on. You are now a balanced scale, emotionless, still. You ponder the moment when it will all come crashing down. The moment when your walls, which you spent years meticulously building and safeguarding, will crumble around you. One smile, one tear, one cry and all your hard work is for nought.
An emotionless state of being. What a way to live.
I was wondering.
Is this what it feels like to sleepwalk through life. Because if it is I need someone to wake me up from this nightmare.
