That Means that.... JUSTIFIES the End

My own type of 'Muslim'

Zaynab had become pretty good friends with Jessica over time,and presently, she was playing a board game with her in the living room -the day the couple had brought her into that home precisely two weeks in the past, she laughed at the memory. 'Laugh while it lasts, I'm sure gonna have the last laugh', Jessica voiced, jolting her mind to the present immediately. 'Oh: she mouthed, rather apologetically. Jessica smiled, 'Zee, go on ahead and laugh all you want, just for as long as luck's on your side because...' She stopped short as Zaynab burst into a frenzy round of laughter, wondering what she found so amusing -almost annoying her, almost, just almost!
'Oh, sorry, darling, I was just...' Zaynab was saying in a way of apology as she noticed her friend's countenance moving away from the usual.
Jessica sighed and said -just little above a whisper- 'oh, yeah, whatever', and pulled away from the table on which the board from which they played was set, folding her arms across her chest.
Zaynab was up and about pleading with and teasing her for the next few seconds, hardly 30, before Jesicca loosened up and was back to her bubbly person again. Zaynab could not help marvelling at how beautiful this lady was, inside-out, as she watched her leave for the kitchen to grab a glass of fruit juice. By the time Jessica returned, a mosque nearby was making the Adhan, and unmindful as Zaynab was, she joked, 'oh oh, so you got one just for yourself, uh?'. Jessica remained feet away from her, sipping from the glass jn her hands, enjoying every moment passing as her friend disliked it.
'Zee?' Zaynab's heart had jumped, the question in Jessica's tone made her all uncomfortable -plus the guilty feeling tugging at her mind as her soul enchanted her for disrespecting the words of the Prophet that said to repeati after the Mu'adhdhin whilst the Adhan was ongoing, over the fact that she was past caring about honouring the honourable call and give a few minutes of her time in worship of the giver of time -and she swallowed, fixing her gaze on her friend, to be reminded she had been called two other times already, she forced a smile to her lips, 'yes,dear'.
Jessica smiled nervously, 'uh, actually... I've been wondering...' She hesitated, making a mental assessment of what she had to say -or ask- seeking a way it would not hurt or embarrass her friend as she was merely seeking an explanation. Looking at Zaynab, she tried again, 'Zee, I've been meaning to ask you why you don't pray. You know, everything about you is sort of... Like, you don't do any Muslim stuff, dress and all that... I'm asking 'cos, you know, someone once told me that prayer stuff, like they just made the call for it at that mosque, that it is compulsory upon you all Muslims, and... So, I'm like, are you a different kind of Muslim or...' She could not find the right word, so she paused, looking closely at Zaynab to know whether or not she had succeeded in not hurting her or anything, and right about then, Zaynab had laughed a croaking low laugh- and made her more confused.
'Sweetheart' Zaynab managed to find her voice after forcing herself to laugh the heavy knot that tied her throat out- she had been shocked, asking herself over and again why the day seemed to be closing so cruelly on her, even Jessica was.... The name forced her back to the present, 'Uhm' she searched frantically for the words to speak, but, the thumping of her heart was so hard she could barely hold Jessica's expectant gaze. Zaynab laughed. Again. She found it very amusing -crazily so- that she was feeling so affected by a mere call to prayer -she shrugged at the thought mentally- the whole day, unlike her real self- yes, she knew she owed nobody anything at all to be 'subjecting' herself to that kneeling and prostration all day long -and wondered for the umpteenth time, what was actually wrong with 'today', and what was wrong with her in the day, and why Jessica had to voice her confusions -or had she called it, them, questions? Oh, damn, she could not remember at all- on this same day!
'Never mind, Zee, I was just wondering, didn't intend to embarrass you or...' Jessica was saying in a bid to get over the nervous tension building up between them. Then, Zaynab had stared at her for a while, making her wonder how bad her asking was after all.
'You guys don't go to church too, does that make you...' Zaynab had said, she must have been more affected than she dared to think -or why else would she say something as unreasonable as that? She asked herself quietly, knowing, even as she blurted that balderdash, that, the two cases were absolutely not the same! She knew there was nothing that said going to a church on Sunday was compulsory, but, she... She looked at Jessica to tell just how upset she had got her innocent friend who was only looking out for her, despite her own laxity, caring about the submissiveness of her soul to the Lord she claimed to serve, or just calling herself Muslim at all.
'I'm sorry, I....' She was trying to apologize, but, Jessica did not seem to be hearing at all, then, she saw her smile, and she sighed in relief, grateful. Jessica was such an understanding and forgiving person. 'Uhm' she was again trying to get out of the fix, she smiled, she found an escape -or so she thought- 'Jessy, you just have not been observant, there are very many Muslims who do not pray, yeah, that kind of prayer' Jessica was looking askance at her, and Zaynab felt she was just holding back from asking a question to avoid upsetting her friend again, 'you see, all of my Muslim girlfriends, like me, do not pray. So it's not...'
Jessica was puzzled, not sure it was safe to voice her thoughts, then she decided to ask, encouraged by Zaynab's just added example, 'so, does that mean praying is compulsory for some Muslims and not compulsory for some others?'
Zaynab pondered over the question for a good long while before saying, 'Jes, could we leave all these religions talks? I'm not very comfortable discussing things like that, and I...' Jessica smiled and put a hand up to signal her acceptance to drop the topic. Zaynab sighed internally, 'just what I ran away from, or was it just left, home for', unable to stop thinking over why the day has just.... Jessica poked her and laughed, 'What?'
Jessica paused a while, then said, 'Zee, you got your ID card back, right?'
Zaynab nodded wondering where this conversation was headed. 'And as far as I know, your school's already in session...' Oh, Zaynab got the message, even up to where she had not yet voiced, Jessica was trying to ask why she had not yet left -or, to be more honest and less sentimental, Jessy was actually meaning to know why she had not yet resumed school or attend any lectures- and that was a question -yet again- that she had no reasonable answer for. She managed to smile 'well, sweet Jess, I was thinking I'd return to my hostel -what damn hostel was she talking about?- in three days. I hate to miss lectures too -wow, yet another lie in how many seconds- so, I've been in touch with my course mates -sure, as if she had the contact of just one of them, she was not even on their department WhatsApp group!- and they have not had any class so far -yes, that could be true, COULD- and honey, I thought I owe you guys so much I'd wait till dad sends my allowances with my school fees - of course, they did not have to know that she was practically disowned and utterly stranded, did they? Nah- so, I can at least pay for the mobile Richie got me in replacement, aside all other wardrobe materials and cosmetics, you know?' Zaynab winked, forcing herself to remain calm, she had not had a reason to lie to anyone at all in a good long while, and just now, she had told the lies in sequence, praying Jessica would not catch on any of them.
'Oh, what a loyalist you are, my beautiful Zee' she heard Jessica say and forced herself to listen. 'You don't have to worry about paying Richie, or anyone in this house, for that matter, back a dime, okay? You've been most helpful as a company in this house, how do I pay you back for that, honey?' Jessica looked at her in a way that made her smile, for she had always known they would not accept a kobo from her -well, not that she had any to offer anyway- and she was deeply grateful for that.
Jessica wanted to ask about her parent, but, she thought better of it, after all, till the day Zee leaves for school, she has been and will continue to be enjoying her wonderful company- 'So, what do we do now?' She asked instead. Zaynab grinned and she knew already what was on her mind, she was definitely not going to agree, she assured herself. 'What?' She feigned ignorance, but, Zaynab knew that she knew, so she kept the puppy-eye grin right in place. Jessica gave up after waiting a while for her to spill it, 'Zee? I'm so not doing that' she eventually said and got on her feet, avoiding the look of disappointment she was sure Zaynab faked in response.
'Oh, you sure will. Okay, I will cook' Zaynab said as she jumped on her feet to follow her friend immediately. Jessica halted in her tracks and turned abruptly to face her, and only by a hair breath did Zaynab avoid bumping her. They stared at each other for a while, before Zaynab had to ask what the matter was, to break the silence. Instead of speaking, Jessica jumped on her -she almost lost her footing- and hugged her tight, tears shimmering in her eyes, Zaynab could still not understand the cause of all the emotions and display of them, but still, she kept quiet.
'I'm so so happy you wanna try something out today' Jessica had said when they disengaged and was looking into her friend's eyes. 'Oh, how much I love you' she said and hugged her again, making Zaynab laugh in understanding now: Jessica had been so touched by her offer to cook. When she had only said that to lure her into the kitchen -well, that doesn't count as a lie, does it? She quizzed herself mentally- Oh, she knew not how to cook anything -after indomie that is- and Jessica had been teaching her since the time they got close enough, she smiled; the very day she had opened her eyes and met herself in their home. Jessica was so pleased her efforts had not gone down the drain -oh really? She wished- because, now, her student -or apprentice, well, she couldn't care less about the term- was going to prepare her first meal in her 26 years of existence, after, say, two weeks of learning morning and evening daily. Zaynab was worse than a nerve case, but, she could not find it in herself to dampen Jessica's beautiful hope, so, she decided she was definitely going to have a go at it then, whatever it turned out to be -though she fervently prayed it would be even edible -it would be understandable, and excusable, as her first attempt at cooking. She...
'Hey, Zee' Jessica waved a hand in her peripheral of vision, bringing her thoughts to a stop, she forced herself to smile as she 'returned' to the present. 'I asked what you'll be cooking twice already' Jessica hissed out, obviously stressed out -well, if there was anyone who wouldn't be- looking to Zaynab for an explanation or an apology....
'Oh, so sorry, babe, I was just wondering if I'll be able to not disappoint you with...' Zaynab was saying, hoping it didn't sound so obvious she was wishing she did not have to do this. 'Disappoint?' Jessica said the word like it was strange to her, then she smiled, 'far from it, honey. You being so willing to try means the world to me, darling Zee' she held her hand as she said that, so passionately Zaynab wished she was actually at the very least, willing, but, she was not, she was anything but willing to... She smiled into Jessica's beautiful bright ones, she had never being so nervous about anything in her life, she was a typical happy-go-lucky person.
In the kitchen; Jessica suggested they -she rather, she smiled at the subconscious correction- made yam and egg sauce, feeling that was pretty easy and wouldn't take so long- she was making a mental note of when Richard would get back from work- to cook. Zaynab had refused though, saying she does not want that dish to be her first -whilst the truth had been her disinterest in actually spending minutes peeling yam, the knife and the itch incurring tendency of yam adding to her fear, she could never waste her time peeling any damn yam- so, she suggested they -she- made white rice and egg stew instead, and was grateful Jessica had no problem agreeing, 'so long as you're okay with it, I'm cool too' she has said to Zaynab honestly.
Zaynab tried in earnest to remember everything, step by step, as she had seen Jessica go through whenever she prepared this type of meal, and was grateful she could remember most -if not all- of them vividly, and she went about picking and replacing containers for every ingredient she needed. Jessica stood proud of them both -Zaynab read her expression when she dared look in her direction after pouring the washed rice into the boiling water on heat, and that increased her confidence greatly, 'if Jes believes I'll do well, then I can do even better' she told herself silently and flashed a broad smile at her friend who returned it immediately, then she set about her business again- as she watched her friend go from corner to corner, giving her best at her very first try, she felt so blessed to have her around. 'Oh' Jessica mouthed and Zaynab turned around to face her and ask 'anything wrong?' Jessica smiled, 'Nah, don't mind me. Will be right back' she said and hurried out of the kitchen. Zaynab stood undecided for a split second, then she shrugged and returned to her cooking, convinced by the smile on Jessica's face as she left. Just then, alone in the kitchen, she felt like a woman -a woman indeed- a normal woman of the home, and strangely, she loved the feel of it, every bit of it. She was laughing over her last train of thought when Jessica entered the kitchen holding her phone, and questioned her with her eyes, she had simply stopped laughing at the sight of her to smile at her in assurance that all was indeed well with her -of course- but, she definitely was not about to share her new found feeling of pride and contentment over being a woman, over being a 'real' woman, she acknowledged . 'so, what was the rush about earlier, babe?' Zaynab asked as she turned off the heat and dropped the pot of cooked rice on the slab, after which she stirred the stew that was cooking on low heat. Anxious as she was, she dared not taste any of what she was cooking, for she knew she would not be able to contain the disappointment if it was less than 'okay' -or her pride if it was little more than 'okay'- for she trusted it could not be 'too bad', if the sweet aroma that filled the kitchen was anything to go by -and then, she took the bowl of water containing the eggs, turned to face her friend who had been watching her with pride and admiration all along, and reminded her of the hanging question before settling on a stool to remove the eggs from their shells.
'Oh, it's nothing really' she blushed faintly, 'I just had to inform Richie we're making dinner, you know, so he doesn't buy take aways anymore. And, I had forgotten until just then' she smiled at Zaynab, whose face told Jessica she had totally forgotten there was someone that needed to be informed, in her excitement, just like she (Jessica), had been until a while ago too.
'You forgot too' Jessica laughed while Zaynab smiled apologetically.
'Well, it's good I remembered just then, said he was just pulling up in the eatery's parking space', Jessica then smiled, 'meaning he should be home any moment from now'. The way Zaynab's eyes flew up to go so wide made Jessica laugh so much, she knew that feeling, she had had the same nervous uncertainty many years ago, when she prepared her first meal of jollof rice and chicken for her -then- family of three as well, her elder brother having been away to college already. Jessica had relaxed somewhat at the sound of her laughter, 'why was she so nervous and scared anyway' she asked herself as she watched Jessica add the eggs into the stew and stir it before covering with much grace -the only time Jessica had 'actually' gotten involved in the cooking, Zaynab made a mental note- and return to her side to smile up her courage. Just then, they heard Richard's car pull up in the drive. Knowing he'd be walking into the house immediately got them busy: Zaynab dished the rice into a serving plate and took it to the dinning table while Jessica kept an eye on the stew for her. 'You've done really marvellous', Jessica had said to her friend on her return and had meant it. Aside the fact that the stew was a bit watery in appearance -and that comment can wait till later- everything else was just 'good', she would give Richie the honour of being their taster and honest commenter. As Zaynab went to pour the done stew to be placed on the dining table, Jessica excused herself to welcome her husband.
Minutes later, the three sat at the table for their meal. Jessica did the serving, as always, but, neither of the ladies could lift their spoon until Richie smiled after his first spoonful -as usual- and that was enough to 'free' them.
'Something's different' Richie said and Zaynab's hand froze in midair, and she was afraid something was 'so' wrong. Richard looked at the two ladies, from one to the other, on opposite sides of him, and asked for the reason for such 'atmosphere' at the table. Smiling broadly, Jessica told him it had been Zaynab's first meal and he (Richie) had been the first to taste the results of her many minutes in the kitchen as a first-timer.
'Wow, I'm awed' Richard said, focusing on Zaynab, and he was really awed, 'I mean, this is so good, and for a first timer, I don't think anyone could make it better. Good work, Zee, you did a marvelous job' he has complimented her honestly, and was grateful that had brought a smile to his wife's face too.
Zaynab's gaze was averted, she had dropped the spoon, her heart was filled, she could not dare raise her eyes, she felt fulfilled -but, for what? Cooking?- She had never wanted to learn, and she never felt like she was missing anything by not knowing how to, so why should she feel... She never imagined being a woman, putting food on the table, would be anything this wonderful -and she was abash, and hated all the 'feeling-feeling' of the day, she was not one to go... Someone had said something, she could not ask who or what, so, she said 'thank you' with her gaze on the couple and immediately lowered her lashes again, picking her spoon to start eating her food -her food? Oh yes, her food, she had cooked it! Yes- her tummy raced in excitement, and she chided herself for behaving like a teenage girl over something so trivial -trivial? Her first cooking turned out great and that's trivial? Sure not, she knew she was downplaying the glory, but then again, she was much too excited anyway....
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*N.B*
Surah Al-Anaam, Verse 15:
قُلْ إِنِّي أَخَافُ إِنْ عَصَيْتُ رَبِّي عَذَابَ يَوْمٍ عَظِيمٍ
Say: Surely I fear, if I disobey my Lord, the chastisement of a grievous day.
(English - Shakir)
Surah Al-Araf, Verse 13:
قَالَ فَاهْبِطْ مِنْهَا فَمَا يَكُونُ لَكَ أَن تَتَكَبَّرَ فِيهَا فَاخْرُجْ إِنَّكَ مِنَ الصَّاغِرِينَ
He said: Then get forth from this (state), for it does not befit you to behave proudly therein. Go forth, therefore, surely you are of the abject ones.
Surah Al-Araf, Verse 16:
قَالَ فَبِمَا أَغْوَيْتَنِي لَأَقْعُدَنَّ لَهُمْ صِرَاطَكَ الْمُسْتَقِيمَ
He said: As Thou hast caused me to remain disappointed I will certainly lie in wait for them in Thy straight path.
(English - Shakir)
Surah Al-Anfal, Verse 24:
يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا اسْتَجِيبُوا لِلَّهِ وَلِلرَّسُولِ إِذَا دَعَاكُمْ لِمَا يُحْيِيكُمْ وَاعْلَمُوا أَنَّ اللَّهَ يَحُولُ بَيْنَ الْمَرْءِ وَقَلْبِهِ وَأَنَّهُ إِلَيْهِ تُحْشَرُونَ
O you who believe! answer (the call of) Allah and His Apostle when he calls you to that which gives you life; and know that Allah intervenes between man and his heart, and that to Him you shall be gathered.
(English - Shakir)
Surah Al-Furqan, Verse 27:
وَيَوْمَ يَعَضُّ الظَّالِمُ عَلَىٰ يَدَيْهِ يَقُولُ يَا لَيْتَنِي اتَّخَذْتُ مَعَ الرَّسُولِ سَبِيلًا
And the day when the unjust one shall bite his hands saying: O! would that I had taken a way with the Apostle
Verse 28:
يَا وَيْلَتَىٰ لَيْتَنِي لَمْ أَتَّخِذْ فُلَانًا خَلِيلًا
O woe is me! would that I had not taken such a one for a friend!
(English - Shakir)
Surah Ar-Room, Verse 30:
فَأَقِمْ وَجْهَكَ لِلدِّينِ حَنِيفًا فِطْرَتَ اللَّهِ الَّتِي فَطَرَ النَّاسَ عَلَيْهَا لَا تَبْدِيلَ لِخَلْقِ اللَّهِ ذَٰلِكَ الدِّينُ الْقَيِّمُ وَلَٰكِنَّ أَكْثَرَ النَّاسِ لَا يَعْلَمُونَ
Then set your face upright for religion in the right state-- the nature made by Allah in which He has made men; there is no altering of Allah's creation; that is the right religion, but most people do not know--
(English - Shakir)
via iQuran

Whoever you are, there can only be One Islam, and as a Msulim, your way is cut already... Allah ease our affairs... Stay proud and loyal to your heart which is telling you that you can always get better as a Muslim, keep reading, keep trying, keep striving, with Allah is your rewards....