I Lost My Love to the Stars - - - Adashi fanfic

The News

(Sorry I changed the pov, I just thought 3rd person made more sense *shrug*)
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Adam hated mornings. He used to be a morning person, but these days all he wanted to do was sleep in. Reluctantly he got up and reached for his phone, which was annoyingly buzzing due to his 6:05 am alarm.

He stumbled over to his kitchen, clumsily trying put on his glasses as he walked. He was practically blind without them, but he didn't need his sight to find the coffeemaker. Without having to think much, he started making coffee. His body moving without the help of his brain. As the machine started to make the magical brown morning potion, Adam slumped onto one of the stools at his kitchen counter. He rested his head on one of his hands. He imagined that if Shiro were here, he'd say something stupid and motherly, like,

"Get your elbows off the table!" Adam smiled sleepily at the thought, before shooting up. Damnit. He did it again. Adam groaned and tugged at his hair, leaving himself a bit more awake than before. The sharper his mind was the better. It was safer. It kept him from letting his mind wander. Specifically towards Shiro. Adam slid his hand under his glasses and rubbed his eyes. He needed to wake up. After blinking an unnecessary amount of times, slapping himself, and glancing over at his coffee, Adam found himself fully awake. As he was sitting there by the counter, his eyes landed on the tv remote. It was perfect. Tv was a great distraction. He grabbed the remote, pointed it at the tv, and pressed the "on" button. The screen immediately lit up and started playing the news.

Adam never really watched the news. He found it boring, and quite frankly depressing. But he didn't change the channel. He just let it play in the background as he went on to get ready for the day.

He moved around his apartment, making a crappy lunch, looking for the reports that were due, and all around stalling on actually taking a shower and getting dressed. As Adam sat back at the counter, spreading cream cheese on an everything bagel, he caught the news anchor say something that sounded like "Kerberos" Adam froze for a second. No, that couldn't have been what she said. Adam tried to reassure himself, and went back to preparing his bagel. His hand was shaking a little bit. He was not off to a good start this morning. I really need to stop thinking about- his thoughts were interrupted by the news anchor's voice again.

"The Garrison says, and I quote, 'We regret to inform everyone that the Kerberos Mission has failed," Adam shot up. He immediately forget everything else he was currently doing and grabbed the remote. He hastily turned up the volume and walked over to the living room to get a closer view of the tv screen. His heart was pounding in his chest. His palms were sweaty. He couldn't think straight. On the screen, pictures of Samuel and Matt Holt popped up. Adam tensed, where was he? After a few long seconds, their picture was replaced by his. By Shiro's. By Takashi's. His Takashi.

Adam sucked in a small breathe. His ears were ringing, but he forced himself to listen to the somewhat fake somber voice of the news anchor. "Unfortunately, all members of this mission are nowhere to be heard from, and are presumed dead."

Adam could no longer feel his heartbeat. The floor seemed to sway under his feet. He hardly noticed when his legs gave out and he plopped down onto the couch. All members...nowhere...presumed dead. Words swirled around his head. He couldn't seem to process them. Nothing seemed real.

Dazed, Adam looked back up at the screen. Iverson was there with a couple others from the Garrison, they were on a stage, answering questions, and explaining what had happened. What had happened? Adam still wasn't sure.

None of this could actually be his reality. He was dreaming. Having a nightmare. That's all. Adam couldn't accept this, he refused to accept this. It made him sick. Adam looked down at his hands, around his apartment, he didn't understand anything that was currently happening.

"We have reason to believe that this tragedy occurred due to pilot error," confused, Adam looked back up at the tv. Pilot error. Pilot error. What does that mean- The realization hit Adam like a bus. Shiro. It was Shiro. Something happened. Pain, confusion, and dread banged on his head. He couldn't hear the coffeemaker going off. Or his alarm. Or even the tv for that matter.

He was trapped in himself. He was trapped in dread. Something happened out there. Something happened to Shiro. Something went wrong out there. Pilot error. The words burned his mind. Pilot error. Shiro made a mistake out there. Pilot error. It was because of his sickness. Pilot error. Or he wasn't thinking straight. Pilot error. He was distracted by something. Pilot error. He was distracted by me.

Adam's phone started ringing. But he couldn't hear it. Even if he could, he wouldn't be able to get it. He couldn't move. This was his fault, wasn't it? Shiro got distracted thinking of him? Didn't he? It was his fault that Shiro died. Shiro died. Takashi was dead. The realizations struck him one by one, each as, if not more, painful than a gunshot wound. Everything hurt, but at the same time, Adam couldn't feel anything.

His mind was racing, but it couldn't seem to land on a single coherent thought. Oh god. What did he say to Shiro before he left?

Bye, Shiro.

Was I not enough for you?

If you love me, then stay.

This isn't the first time you've left for some stupid fucking mission!

Get the fuck out of here!

Just know, if you leave, I'm not gonna be here when you get back.

His own voice echoed in his head. The arguments were loud and clear, as if they were happening right now, in the apartment. Adam wanted to scream at his past self. Stop! What're you doing?! Why are you yelling at him?! Why are you so mad?!
Regret pounded in time with his heartbeat. He felt it coursing through his veins just as he had once felt anger coursing through them. His body ached. Why did he fight with Shiro? Why couldn't he just soak up whatever time he had left with him? No. Adam clenched and unclenched his fists. Why didn't he try harder to stop him? Why didn't he do a better job of convincing Shiro to stay?

He shouldn't have called off the engagement. He shouldn't have. Why did he do that? Adam's nails were digging into his skin, piercing his hand, reopening wounds that had just recently mended themselves. Maybe if he hadn't put off the engagement, maybe then Shiro would've stayed. Maybe if Shiro had known he had something to come back to, maybe he wouldn't have gotten himself killed out there. This was all his fault. Adam knew it. The guilt pressed down on his shoulders almost as hard as the grief squeezed his heart.

Shiro was gone. Takashi was gone, and it was all because of him. Adam stole Shiro's future right from under his feet. Hell, he had stolen his own future. Shiro was never coming back, and neither was Adam's life. Shiro was physically dead, but Adam might just as well have been. His entire future was Shiro.

Adam had called off the engagement, but he never meant it. Deep down, Adam knew that the second Shiro came back he'd fix things. He didn't want himself to, but he knew that's what would've happened.

His heart pounded.

He would've forgiven Shiro, right?

Adam found himself wondering in a panic. What if today was just a regular day? What if Adam had just gone to work as usual? What if Adam spent his free time trying to forget about Shiro, as usual? What if Shiro came back years later, safe? Would Adam rush into Shiro's arms? Would Adam take back everything he said to Shiro before? Would he forget all the pain Shiro had left him in? Would he put the engagement back into action? Would he love Shiro?

Adam wanted to scream yes to all of those questions. Of course he would! He loved Takashi no matter what.

But a small voice inside him whispered,

"Then why did you break up with him in the first place?" Adam was shaking. He couldn't breathe. He imagined that himself screaming, yelling at the voice.

"Because it hurt to much to see him leave me! I couldn't let him let me go!" The voice whispered back.

"So you let him go," Adam found himself nodding helplessly. Tears he didn't realize had formed, splashed onto his clenched fists.

"I was scared. I thought, I thought if something happened to him out there, it might hurt less if we weren't together anymore," The voice chuckled cruelly.

"And look how that went,"