Misplaced Love

C.8- Ashton's Grave

Chapter Eight

I want to visit Ashton.

This was the first thought that came to mind on my second day back. I've come to realize that it's been so long since I had the chance to talk to my best friend. I still think about him fondly, our memories together, the laughs we shared, through all my ups and downs Ashton was there to witness it all, he has a part of me the same way that I have a part of him.

"What are you thinking about, babe?" Antonio-- a shirtless Antonio asked as he leaned on the side of our bedroom door.

What a beautiful sight in morning.

I smiled. "I was thinking about visiting Ashton today, I mean, if that's okay with you?"

"Of course it's okay with me, love. Do you want me to come with you?" He walked closer, sitting beside me on the bed.

I shook my head, "I want to see him alone. I think it's about time that he and I have our little talk you know? Its been so long already."

He smiled, "I understand love, care to join me in my shower then?" He asked smirking.

This man, "Why Mr. Antonio, how inappropriate of you."

He chuckled, pulling me up as he lead me to the bathroom.

~~

I took a deep breath as I walked through the cemetery, the cold breeze brushed past my hair and it made me shiver, the crushing of leaves at each step I take only adds to the silence that surrounds me.

So many things have happened to my life I feel like Ashton would have said a lot of things to me by now, not having him by my side breaks my heart every time I am reminded by it.

The only thing that keeps me going is the fact that at least he's not suffering anymore, that he doesn't feel any pain anymore. But I don't think I will ever stop missing Ashton, he was my ball of sunshine. Always have, and always will.

I took a deep breath as I sat down in front of his tombstone, I carresed the letters to his name as my tears began to fall. My heart ached for a hug from my best friend. "Hey, you." I whispered as it sent chills all over me, maybe he's here with me right now.

"I'm sorry I haven't been able to visit you, you probably know that a lot of things happened to me and the gang. I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of, but hey, I'm in law school now. I didn't fight for Lucas." I chuckled sadly. "If you here you would probably hate me too for not fighting Anton to let me stay. I've been beating myself up for it. But you know what? I'm really happy now. Anton has been nothing but loving and understanding of everything that I've been through, no one is more sorry than him for making me love him the way he did."

I stared at his tombstone and imagined him sitting cross legged in front of me. His chin resting on top of his hand, looking at me with amusement and wonder. I didn't notice the tears rolling down my face until some tears fell on my lap. I miss Ashton so much. Everything about him just radiates happiness and love. I would give anything to have that again.

"Ash, I don't know what to do, Pat and the others don't want to talk to me. I know I probably don't have the right to demand anything from them. But I honestly just want everything to go back to how it was."

"I wish that too, Violet."

That voice. I wouldn't have mistaken that voice for anything. I could recognize that voice from afar.

I turned around to see Lucas kneeling behind me, he had a soft smile on his face. "Hello." He said.

"Hi, Lucas. I didn't know you were here."

He smiled sheepishly, scratching the back of his neck. "Yeah, I've been visiting Ashton at least once a week  since you left."

I can't believe he would do that. "Oh, uhm, I'm sure Ashton is happy that you always visited him." I smiled and looked into his eyes for the first time since I got back home.

"I'm sorry—"

"I came—"

We chuckled, "You first." He smiled softly.

"I just, I feel like I never got the chance to apologize to you for how I left things. If I was give the chance to go back I would have—"

"Vi, please don't say that. Don't make me believe that in that moment you would have chosen to be with me and to risk everything. I know you wouldn't."

I shook my head, "No, please I'm really sorry Lucas. I never meant to hurt you— any of you. At the time, I thought I was doing the right thing even though I knew I would have to risk losing you. I'm so sorry Lucas. There was not a day that I didn't think of you."

This time, Lucas was the one who had tears in his eyes, "I wish you didn't have to leave that way. Do you know how hard it was? For me? To see you— the love of my life, the person I wanted to spend the rest of my days with, to choose someone else? It was fucking painful Violet. You left me, broken and hating myself for not fighting for you harder. You broke me."

"Lucas please, I'm sorry, I didn't know what to do, I had to choose Anton because I needed to save everyone, I needed to. I loved you too, I loved you so much."

"Loved? You loved me?" He was crying. "How could you do that to someone you loved? How did you end up loving Antonio? How could you look at him the way you used to look at me? How did you end up loving him? After everything he put you through. How the fuck did you manage to fucking love someone like him Violet? How?!" He got up and started to walk away.

"Lucas please, please don't leave." But it was too late. Lucas got into his car, and drove away.

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