Such A Delicate Thing

a for anxiety

please stop,
you're making me nervous

that shirt is too red
there's too many faces

get me out of here
i can't stay in this place or all places

breathing is harder
here comes the unremitting heart palpitations

fuck, i could faint
but i must stay and quake

because my brain won't let me relax
my teeth clenched and my nose filled with paint

that horrific lump in my throat
i'm going to choke

i would scream; i would plunge to my knees
my eyes would liberate streams

my skin would burst at the seams
my hair untie the strings

my guts spill on the ground
all the unsaid words scattered around

and they would stare

i'd evanesce but that wouldn't be fair

but they can't see my insides rising and falling like the tides
or burning like the sun and blinding the world behind my eyes

they can't see my illness
so i can't be defined

they can't see i'm "crazy"
and they believe i'm "fine"

they don't mind when i turn my back and pop that pretty pill
they don't know it suppresses my impulsive urge to kill
(not literal killing people, chill out homie it rhymes ok? had to keep the flow)

if you could never hate me
if you wouldn't dare leave me
if the night sky seemed like day would never come again
if i didn't know exactly how much money was in my account when i walked up to the counter
if that car was going to hit my bumper
if he was going to like me back
if i don't make it to work on time
if i coughed and everyone heard
if that meal was going to make me gain a pound
if they would accept me
if the alarm on the microwave is too loud
if time ever stands still
if you could never hate me
my anxiety says you will