TOUGH LOVE • MICHAEL GRAY FANFIC

20

Journal Entry 27

Did I chose wrong? Did I pick myself when I should have picked him all along? Was there some sort of book of love I was supposed to read before getting into a catastrophic love with the man of my dreams? Should I have buckled myself down for this ride he put me on? Perhaps I did this all wrong?

Losing my virginity to a man I thought I knew, when in reality, I was foolish and too much in my head. I thought he loved me unconditionally, I thought we were going to just run away, knowing that his family, is his family. And that, there is no room for a woman like me, when he's got a mum like that.

The cold air pours into me, as I stand overlooking the pacific ocean. Vancouver, British Columbia. Canada. That's where I've found my safe haven, and a place I can finally call home.

I occasionally get letters from him, detailing a life that I cannot say I would find amusing or sustainable. But he says he lives in New York now, taking a job that Thomas Shelby has granted him. I don't get letters very often, only on days when things get really bad for him. The writing usually gets awful by the end, a sign that he write with a bottle of whiskey right beside him. One letter was stained with his blood, another, crinkly because of tears he had shed overtop.

Although the letters are occasional, I think about him everyday. Its like he's dead, and I miss him so much.

At times I think I've lost my mind, wondering, how can I miss the man who has done so much to hurt me? How can such a person sleep so peacefully at night?

I can barely sleep nowadays. A constant headache of some sort, or the leg I was shot on aches. I have these night terrors that come to me, they scare me awake, and I just sit there waiting for the daylight to poke through the curtains.

I couldn't continue being a nurse because of the labour intensive workplace. My leg was permanently damaged, I had to walk with a limp, and even that sometimes was too much of a tole on my body, so there went my dream career. I moved onto working at orphanages, in particular, the all girls one, where I am a sit-in counsellor.

I had found out I was six weeks pregnant when I got to a Vancouver doctor complaining of my swollen feet. It was odd, and I thought I got some sort of allergic reaction to the plants in my backyard. The doctor had me piss, I thought, hm, that's strange. Made sure to touch my breasts once I went to the toilet, I didn't feel much tenderness. I was certain I wasn't pregnant. But alas, the doctor looked at me with happy eyes and told me.

Ms. Osborne, it looks like you're pregnant.

His name is Ethan Henry Osborne. I couldn't bring myself to write Gray on his birth certificate, even thought I probably should have.

I raised my baby alone, happy, but alone. And we grew together, Ethan and I. He's got his fathers bravery and love, his toothy smile and handsome face. The kids only three, but Christ, all the girls in school adore Ethan. He's smart and witty and charming.

I learn everyday from that dashing kid, I'm lucky enough to call mine. I never understood the scary overprotective mum Polly was to Michael until I had Ethan. And that's when I sort of realized how madly in love you are with your kids, but what I can't sympathize with is how she allowed herself to be in denial of the awful care he was in. Whatever the case is, Polly is long gone and out of my life. I don't blame her for what had happened to Michael and I. I knew she was on heavy medication and drinking, the two together do cause delirium and paranoia.

And with Michael being in New York, I know that when I allow myself the courage to final write him back, that he'll get to know Mr. Ethan Osborne.

I never imagined my life being this way. Nor had I ever dreamt of seeing Michael again, but I also wouldn't take anything back.

Michael gave me this precious baby, that I had no idea about until so much later. I still remember the moment I fell in love with him, the day he rolled that ball over to me and tried to get a smile out of me, and I will always cherish him for that. Being there for me when I had no one, and now, as I look at my boy, I can see that Henry has left me with a baby who will always protect me.

You're a world away Michael, and all I can think about is you. I miss you endlessly, and wonder about you, and your happiness. I miss you, I miss you so much. But what can I do about that? You know more than anyone what you do to me, how you affect me. And I miss that. Because now its me, and Ethan, and I wish you could see us, and be the father I know you can be. But if I allow you this, you'll stay forever. And even though I want nothing more, I know exactly what'll happen. Then what.

Then what?

I get up with my letter paper and walk towards the fireplace, I think for a second to fold it up and mail the letter to Michael, but I go against that when I hear Ethan's small voice as he sleep-talks. Something he does often, he says mama, and I imagine that being a sign to dismiss those thoughts in my head. I didn't come all the way here for nothings, I toss the paper in the fire and watch as it turns into ash before walking towards the bed Ethan and I share, I lay down beside him and shut my eyes, finally allowing myself the rest I've been craving all my life.

The End.

authors notes: u know, i know y'all were not at all expecting such an ending, which makes total sense, BUT i mean, i love June Osbourne, i think she's been through so much shit and while michael loves her, he also really loves his family, and he probably does feel this unfathomable, unbreakable pull towards them. he chose his mum, just like he always has - as you can see in the show. but this also brings up the touchy subject of : is it ok for a mother to hide her child from his/her father. and this happens to so many of us! (im sorry to whomever this may have triggered/hurt) tough love is a story of exactly that.. a tough fucking love. it's not all roses, and flowers and love, but sometimes its absolute shit. thanks for all the support guys- i fuckin loved writing this story and the reception was amazing.