Waves

Dinner Confessions

Phana and Kit looked at Beam quietly as he put on a jacket and grabbed the room key from the bedside table.

"I'm not so sure about this, Ai'Beam," Kit finally said, a worried look on his face.

Beam sighed and suddenly gave Kit a hug. "I'm not sure about it either, Ai'Kitty. But it's something that needs to happen."

Kit made a face at the nickname but hugged Beam back tightly. Phana smiled at the two and gave Beam's head a ruffle. "Don't kill him, Ai'Beam. Or if you do, make sure not to leave any evidence."

Beam let go of Kit and laughed at Phana's statement. "Got it, boss!"

---

Beam scanned his card on the elevator and pressed the floor for the hotel's restaurant. He closed his eyes and took a deep sigh.

I don't know what the heck I'm doing. Forth doesn't deserve a second chance.

Beam opened his eyes and ran a finger over the bandage that Forth had re-wrapped around his hand earlier that afternoon. The medical student couldn't stop thinking about Forth's face and how sad he looked... like was trying desperately to say something to Beam and couldn't.

Forth may not deserve closure but I sure as hell do.

The doors dinged open and Beam stepped out into the well-lit restaurant, spotting the maître d' by the entrance.

"Good evening, sir. Your companion is waiting inside,"

Beam was surprised at how the staff knew who he was but followed him inside anyway. "Oh, uhm, thank you."

Beam was lead out into the balcony facing the sea; it was nice night, not windy but pleasantly cool. Beam could've stared at the stars all night but he found himself captivated by Forth sitting alone at a table for two, his face lit by warm candlelight.

Still as handsome as ever.

The maître d' left them alone with the menus and retreated back into the restaurant. The ex-lovers were the only guests outside; probably Wayo's doing, Beam thought.

Beam cleared his throat and tugged on his sleeve nervously, feeling scar tissue by his wrists. Painful memories that refused to fade with time. He didn't know what to say.

"...I'm sorry, Beam," Forth began, finally looking at Beam. "I know it will never be enough but I want you to know how sorry I am for leaving."

"It won't be enough," Beam replied quietly, not looking at Forth. "You left without telling anyone anything... after all that we'd been through with your parents and mine... I thought," Beam paused, then stared back at Forth, gathering up his courage. "I thought I was worth more than that."

Forth quickly held both of Beam's wrists, wrapping around them tightly. "You were--- still are. I just---" Forth stopped abruptly, his fingers noticing the raised scar tissue on Beam's left arm. "Is that...?"

Beam sighed. "It's not what you think. I did something stupid when you were gone. It's mainly the reason why Ai'Pha and Ai'Kit want to kill you."

Beam lifted up his sleeve and ran his hand over the webbed pattern of scars that went up his left arm. "I drank a lot after you left. Every night was a different bar, a different group of people. I was out drinking with a bunch of friends from my college and they thought it would be hilarious to go drink by the river. Obviously, I was too wasted to say it would be a bad idea so we walked from the bar to a nearby river which had a rickety bridge crossing it..."

"You fell?" Forth exclaimed, his grip tightening around Beam's hand instead.

"I fell into the water, drunk, unable to swim, and cut my arm trying to hang on to rotting wood that almost gave me tetanus... My friends panicked and called Phana and Kit who were thankfully in a nearby restaurant. They had to perform CPR on me by the river bank."

"Oh my God." Forth let go of Beam's hand and ran it through his hair. "This is all my fault. I can't even --- I don't know what I can do to make this better, Beam. I just ---"

Beam shrugged, tugging his sleeves back over his wrists. "I lived. It's not a big deal anymore. I contemplated...just ending it all but I know it wouldn't make things any better. I've been going to see a psychiatrist for the past year or so after Kit forced me too, so I'm better. Better than I used to be, anyhow."

Forth was silent, gathering his thoughts. He's been hurt too. But he had no idea how his actions affected the person he loved. Beam deserved more than him. Beam deserved the truth.

A deep sigh. "I..." Forth started, "lost my dad three years ago."

"What?" Beam said sharply. "What do you mean you lost him?"

Forth looked at Beam straight in the eyes and continued. "After we told my parents that we were together, my dad was never really the same. He was angry all the time, at mom and me, sometimes even my siblings for supporting me. It was bad at home and I just wanted to leave. I called him the day before everything happened, telling him I was moving out and that I wasn't going to give you up."

"I didn't know he was driving." Forth closed his eyes, painful memories starting to haunt him. "He sped through a stoplight and was hit by an oncoming truck. He died from the impact. Mom... was never the same after that. She tried to overdose on sleeping pills and we had to take her to a rehabilitation center in the US. I just... felt so guilty about everything that I didn't want to have anything to do with Bangkok anymore."

"Oh Forth," Beam muttered, his eyes shining with tears. "You could've just told me."

"I know, but I was so angry at that time. At myself for what I did to my family, at my dad for not accepting me then leaving us all alone..." Forth was crying now. "I didn't deserve you, Beam, not in the state I was in. There was so much had to handle since Dad died, so I left. I thought of coming back in a few weeks, maybe a month, but when my mom, you know," Forth quickly rubbed his eyes. "My sisters and I thought it would be best to leave the bad memories behind."

Beam stood up and walked around the table. He tugged Forth to his feet and into his arms. "You're an idiot."

Forth broke down, sobbing into Beam's shoulder. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean for any of this to happen," He held on to Beam's wrist tightly, wishing that the scars would disappear.

--

A/N: I'm back! I'm not dead!