LOVE WITHOUT SLEEP

THE CHAPTER 16

"There's a part of me that always wants to test the boundaries between life and death, not because I'm miserable...but to save myself from misery in the long run." I looked over at Matty, taking the joint from his hands as he passed it to me, exhaling the smoke from his lips and allowing it to flow off and vanish into the cool air.

"I understand." He said, looking off into the darkness. The only light being one in front of the door, the only sound being crickets and the breeze, which I felt more than ever from being used to all my time spent in southern California.

I held the joint between my lips, inhaling the smoke which calmed my nerves right away, closing my eyes and holding it in. As always, the only thing I could see was George walking out of the door, over and over again. I opened my eyes quickly, seeking to escape.

As I looked over at Matty I could see him handing me his leather jacket. Why? My heart began to race, it was silly. Though I couldn't help it.

"Don't worry I'm not trying to get you to love me, I see you shaking and its distracting me." He laughed slightly, looking at me as if I were some type of moron.

I passed him the joint, taking his jacket slowly. "Distracting you from what?" I chuckled.

"From listening to you. All I can think about is how we should go inside or I should lend you my jacket." He said.

"Thanks." I said, slipping into it as it swallowed me. The leather was cold against my skin, I always hated how long it took me to adjust.

"S'alright." He said.

"It's just stupid if I stay while George is mad or whatever." I pushed my hair out of my face, rubbing my high, glossy, reddened eyes.

"Then don't." He said.

"Are you trying..." I laughed, losing my words in my high, struggling momentarily to remember, " to kick me out?"

He laughed and shook his head, "you're dumb when you're high."

"You're dumb all the time." I raised a brow.

"You know what, what's the point in sitting here being sad when you can go out and do something fun? So George is mad at you? He'll be over it in no time, he's just like that...why don't you...go out dancing, I'll even come with you. All this silence is killing me and I'm bored sick." He confessed, nodding as I stood up, him getting onto his feet as well.

I thought about his words, knowing he was right. I didn't feel like doing anything at all..but the more I did nothing, the more I thought about it. "Alright, let me change into something more...not ugly. Lastly, don't let me drink anything, deal?" I looked at him sternly.

"Deal." He nodded.

We both went for the door at once, nearly running into one another. He laughed under his breath, "sorry, go ahead."

"No, no go." I nodded.

"Do you wanna dance now?" He laughed.

I rolled my eyes, unable to hide a smile, pushing him out of the way and heading into the house.

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The entire ride was like one being on a roller coaster, Matty swerving through the streets too high to function...and me daring him to race other cars on the road.

"Okay okay, no more." I tried to catch my breath, covering my face in fear, unable to stop myself from laughing. We both knew it was dangerous, but somehow we did it anyway and it made everything all the more thrilling.

"Why not? We're testing the boundaries between life and death." He made a face at me, flipping his hair.

I laid my head back against the head rest, "can we at least have a dance or two before we die though?" I closed my eyes, feeling the wind from the windows brushing against my face as we zoomed through it.

He turned into parking, "yeah that's a good idea." He went into parking, getting out of the car and locking up. I followed him, pulling out my passport and cash as we approached the doors. The music was nothing like I'd expected, it was old American disco music, and surprisingly the crowd seemed to be enjoying it.

Matty grooved into the scene, I laughed, feeling slightly embarrassed. Not of him, but of myself, to not be cool enough to do the same thing. I followed him slowly, looking around. The music banged through my ears, and my head spun all around. He's The Greatest Dancer by Sister Sledge tuned in, I bobbed my head a bit, feeling out of place.

He turned around as he found enough space for the two of us. Sticking the cigarette in his hand into his mouth and grabbing my hand, spinning me around and clearly expecting me to dance. I took his cigarette from his mouth, grabbing a lighter and holding it to my mouth, needing one myself. I missed George, and all I wanted was to be back at the house with him, looking at the stars...he was the only person I ever wanted to share them with, even though all across the universe everyone looked at the same exact ones.

"COME ON, YOU CAN'T BE SHY AFTER LETTING ME DRIVE ALL THE WAY HERE!" He said over the music.

I smiled, puffing on the cig a few times before attempting to dance, "I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO YOU, I REALLY JUST CAN'T DANCE." I confessed.

"SO WHAT?!" He smiled.

I laughed at myself as I managed to shimmy, I knew I must have looked stupid. He spun me around again, I could only guess to stop me from embarrassing him and myself so badly.

As we switched sides I looked behind him...only to see who I wouldn't have expected, George. I stopped dancing, it felt as though I was still in the center of the Earth and it continued to spin without me, as often the phrase was stated the same exact way. With him, was Emma...she was dressed up in a black sequined mini dress.

Matty followed my eyes, slowing from dancing and turning around to see them. I held my breath, knowing if I let it out I'd break. I turned around before they could see me, hurrying over to the bar. I could feel Matty pulling at my arm, I yanked it away, taking a seat.

"Jude, I'm so sorry. I'm really sorry..." He said, looking at me.

"Why?!" I asked, "why are you sorry, Matty? Did you know he'd be here? Did you know we'd see him?!" I snapped.

"What? No, of course not. Why would you even ask me that?" He snapped back.

"You know, you could have just told me rather than to let me see it--"

"I didn't know!" He said.

"Vodka please!" I called to the waiter.

"No vodka!" He said after me, confusing the waiter.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I glared at him.

"You told me not to let you drink."

"Fuck that."

"Fuck you!" He raged.

That was the end of my strength, the tears fell and the tantrum fought its way out though I wouldn't let it. "Vodka, please." I said, taking out my money and placing it on the table.

"I'm sorry." He said, watching me.

I wouldn't look at him, it only made things worse. As the vodka slid across the table and my money was taken, I downed it as quickly as I could, resting my elbow against the table.

"Don't ignore me." He said. "I just wanted to make you happy. You were down...all day, and I wanted to help. I didn't know he'd be here, and then you blame all this on me and I feel like shit for it. So excuse me, if I say the wrong thing."

I shrugged, "me too."

He sat down beside me, looking all around. I didn't care if George was to see us or not, because I'd already seen him and Emma...

"I dunno what to do." He said, watching me.

"Just stop looking at me." I said, feeling his eyes leave from me at my words, "and continue to sit with me...and that's enough." I said slowly, turning to see him at last.

He nodded, "I can do that."