Meeting Arin (Lesbian Story)

Chapter 9

After that day all I could think about was Arin. If I closed my eyes and thought really hard I could still feel her lips on my neck. I could smell her scent. I could taste my desire. I tried to be around her as much as possible now. I needed to know everything about her.

She told me about her addiction. It seemed pretty personal. I loved that she felt close enough to me to let me into her private world. I've never been addicted, I didn't come from a broken home, I have never went to bed starving or lived on the streets, but Arin had. And she was telling me about it. Maybe she was this open with everyone... I guess I'll never know, but I do know that it made me feel so important that she was sharing it with me. 

And I shared with Arin too. I shared all the loneliness. I told her the most intimate parts of my marriage. I told her the things I loved about him; the reasons I stayed. And I told her the things I hated, I told her about crying myself to sleep and how it was always my fault when something was wrong. I told her how I couldn't talk to him because I was afraid of hurting him no matter how many times he had hurt me. 

Arin listened intently. She never judged me. I felt closer to her than I did to anyone else in my life. She made me feel like my feelings did matter. 

"You can't make everyone else happy all the time. You have to keep yourself happy as well." she would tell me. 

I knew she was right, but how could I walk away now? We had an innocent child. A baby who had no idea what was going on. I also had two step daughters who thought of me as their own mother. Not to mention that my husband didn't realize what he did to me. He doesn't know that he hurts me or that I cry myself to sleep. He has no idea of the resentments I hold for him. He'll never understand why I am unhappy. He loves me. He will blame himself and be soo hurt. I never want to hurt him. Even if I am unhappy. And I can't tell him how I feel because he wouldn't understand. He would think I was childish and being immature. He would say I need to let go of all the things he's done to me. I just cant. 

I told Arin I wanted to leave so badly I can taste it. I am just so scared too. I need acceptance. I don't know how to hurt people. Knowing each other so deeply seemed to only fuel our feelings. Every time we were around each other now Arin's hands were all over me. I would find the most random reasons to come into a room she was cleaning. Then I would volunteer to help make a bed or clean a bath tub. Just so I could bend over in front of her. When I did she would come up behind me and run her hands up my sides underneath my shirt. Then back down. It was like a fire everywhere she touched me. I hadn't felt this way in so long. She made me feel sexy. Arin made me feel worth it. I needed more. 

The first time she tried to kiss me I turned my head. 

"Feeling guilty?" she asked. I nodded. I did feel guilty. I was being bad. I knew Joey wasn't touching anyone else. I knew he was at work actually working. I left Arin and cried. 

I cried for me. I cried for Joey. I cried for Arin. How did I get myself messed up in all this?! I needed to make a decision. Not a Joey or Arin decision, but a happy or sad decision. I had to decide to live the way I was or be happy and make hard changes.