Lovely

19. My heart is a big place

Yesterday, after we had all grew tired, we all trekked out of the water with heavy feet and knotted hair. Ash and Kahlo drifted over to a nearby tree to climb up and play around as the little kids climbed onto their bikes lead by Callista. I was busy drying my hair with my towel when Celia had approached me.

"How about some ice cream?" She asked.

I tried to answer, but her sudden question, her sudden attention, caught me off guard so much that my brain couldn't string together a proper sentence. I was flustered. So I shrugged. To try to cover up my previous struggle.

"Tomorrow, perhaps?" She tried again.

And I had agreed, so the next morning when I woke up, I woke up early. Early enough to sit and eat with the others. Nobody commented, I guess they were just glad that I was there. A mix of nerves and the need of more time to get ready was the reason why I awoke so early but I didn't mind. Going for ice cream could mean anything. Just ice cream, or we could walk around and find other places to go, or we could find a perfect spot to eat our treats. I didn't know what our day would come to.

When she dropped by the house to collect me, my brain was still in a frenzy. Friends, she had once asked. Friends, I had agreed. But I didn't want to be friends. I wanted to be best friends, lovers, a married couple, two grandmothers. When she leaned over and pecked my cheek as we climbed onto our bikes, all I could do is stare. I was honoured to be here with her, stealing kisses, getting ready to go get ice cream together, but it was overwhelming for my heart. I didn't know what I wanted, my heart did, but I didn't want my heart to have all the control. Did I want Kahlo? Did I want Celia? My heart was the one who told me it didn't matter. Well, it didn't. I wasn't anyone's girlfriend and I didn't want to be. Nobody wanted me to be their girlfriend either, here everyone wanted to be available. That was the way to be. But my brain was having difficulty letting myself let go of everything I knew. Customs of my country were different and I didn't know how I was to switch so easily.

She chose vanilla, peach for me, as per usual. No teasing this time. We had accepted this as our distinction, as who we were as people. They were perfect together, just like us.

We strolled together out of the shop and to our bikes. "Hey, do you wanna see something secret?"

I turned my head to her. We had exchanged words about the weather and other small things, but this was the first time this whole day that she had started a serious conversation.

"Uh, sure," I said a little hesitantly.

"You don't have to be afraid," she replied jokingly. "I'll lead the way."

Somehow, we both managed to bike back towards my house with ice cream cones in our hands. We turned down a private looking road before we got close to my house though and headed toward an area that was shaded by trees. We eventually rode through the trees and broke out into a clearing. In the clearing there was a lake with crystal water. The lake. Except I was looking at it from a different perception, straight across the lake I could see the dented mud ramp leading into the water and the small patch of flat grass that was made from all the kids that threw down their belongings there and sat there to watch others in glee. The bush that intruded my view kept the area we were in secret from the other side. Hanging from the tree we laid our bikes against had a wooden swing hanging from it. In the trunk were many drawings and doodles carved by a sharp object, more than likely done by Celia. I let my fingertips trace the outline of a heart as Celia sat down on the swing and rocked herself back and forth.

"These are so cute," I complemented, but as more of a thought to myself.

"Thanks," she replied lightly. The tone in which she said it reminded me of the calm before a storm.

I wandered over to a stump and sat down, licking my own ice cream.

"I hope Kahlo is treating you well."

I didn't want to talk about Kahlo.

"Yes," I replied anyway.

"He's in love with you," she stated.

I just awkwardly nodded through my confusion. He said we were just friends. But he's in love with me. Yet we aren't a couple.

"And you love him," she continued.

Did she have a point.

"Yes, but my heart is a big place."

I still have some love left to spare, is what I wanted to say but it seemed too bold. Too straightforward.

Her eyes were on me. Not as soft as they usually were. She wanted me to say exactly what I meant. She wanted my permission, but that wasn't our thing. It was a special ritual that existed between only Kahlo and I, and to let it spill into this relationship would be to connect their two worlds. They were different, a crystal lake and a golden beach. I didn't want them to be the same and because of this, or maybe because I was simply too afraid to say anything else, I refused to reword my sentence. She may ask for permission, but I wouldn't give it to her. Not because she didn't have it but because she already knew she did. That was our thing. No words. Just body language. Just reading each other.

When she realised I wouldn't say anymore, she wasn't hurt or annoyed or upset. She simply said, "where we are, everyone's is."