Lovely

24. To make sure the tears the night before weren't for nothing

I silently hated her. But I only hated her for making me hate myself, which wasn't at all her fault and actually didn't have anything to do with her. It was my decision to beat myself up. I was the one who found myself childish and desperate and over the top. But it's always easier to blame others than yourself. So when Celia asked me to keep her company the next day I was tempted to say no. As payback for the nonexistent time she wronged me. I wanted to say no to mimic the kiss she didn't give me but, upon accepting that I was never entitled to such a thing, did go with her.

"What shall we do today?" She yelled in almost a sigh over the wind whipping past us as we rode our bikes towards town. It was the afternoon so there wasn't much to choose from anyway, seeing as though most of the shops were closing and soon the relieving darkness of the night would crawl over the earth and take the sunshine's place. I couldn't find anything to suggest at all, or maybe it's because I wanted to hang onto my unfair grudge a little longer to make sure the tears the night before weren't for nothing. "Let's say we grab gelato and head to the lake?" She finally offered. I looked her way with a smile, letting go of my anger for good.

We sped into town and headed straight for our destination. We purchased our treats, stealing mouthfuls and licks from each other as we walked our bikes along the private looking road that leaded to Celia's spot. The cicadas greeted us as well as the birds that darted over our heads and through the trees. Celia held my gelato as I took the soft blanket from the basket hanging off my bike and laid it out on the ground. It was reasonably thick so sitting next to each other, legs crossed, wasn't uncomfortable in the least. As we sat in silence I couldn't help but wonder if she'd ever kiss me again. Or, if it came to it, let me kiss her. I imagined myself advancing forward with unmatchable confidence and kissing her with all the passion I felt pumping through my veins all the time. But with that fantasy came the thought of her refusing again. Rejecting me, turning her face away, which would hurt so much more than handing me a smile instead. So I chased it away and focused back on the delicious substance in my mouth.

It became obvious that I had focused a little too much on my gelato when I eventually did finish it and snapping back into reality found Celia staring at me expectantly. I muttered an apology, to which she smiled bright. "What was it that you were thinking about? It must be deadly important." Was she asking about before, or when I zoned in on the gelato that I was stuffing my face with? I wanted to scream, you. You, Celia, I was thinking of you. Of how we kissed, but the next day you didn't want to, and how much I want you to kiss me now. Kiss me, take me, I will not disagree or fight or turn away. I want this. I want you.

"Nothing."

Her eyes told me that she didn't believe me at all, and I was convinced she was going to let it slide nonetheless. But then came a whisper.

"Perhaps this will help you remember."

And she kissed me.

I was unsure if she knew me so well that she had figured out what I was thinking about and wanted me to know, or if she merely saw an excuse to kiss me and took it. But I was sure that my world started turning again. The balance was restored, I no longer needed to dwell.

I kissed her back, and with all the passion I could muster, until we were a heap on the blanket of hot breath and hands and sprawled hair. Somehow along the way she ended up on top of me, a queen returning to her throne, the sun returning to the sky. And I gripped her thighs as Kahlo so often did to me. I had promised to keep them separate but found beauty in seeing Kahlo in Celia, and this made my heart soar so much higher.

She was the one to pull away. I stared up at her with a hint of disbelief glinting in my wide eyes. "You kissed me," I breathlessly stated. "I did," she stated in the same way. I continued to stare, but disbelief morphed into gratefulness and happiness and love. "Is there a problem?" Celia asked with a scrunch of her brows. "N-no," I quickly reasoned, "there isn't. It's just that yesterday... you wouldn't kiss me. I was starting to fear that I'd live the rest of my life without experiencing one ever again." Her eyes glassed over with understanding, and remembrance, and what bordered avoidance. She was happy I didn't straight out say the words she didn't want to hear. She didn't want to talk about the fact that she had ignored my pleas. Her reply came fast.

"I didn't want to kiss you because kisses are special. I've seen the way you and Kahlo kiss, it is simply second nature. I don't want them to lose their specialness. If I kissed you too much, then this wouldn't feel the same."

She proceeded to duck her head to meet my lips again. Tongue and teeth, breath and sounds of pleasure. In amongst all these I stopped to think about what she said. Kahlo and I did kiss as if it were second nature, it became something as normal as shaking hands. It didn't mean that we had nothing special, it was just our way. Because every one is different, every couple in different. I realised this as I rolled with all my might, rolling Celia under me and trapping her wrists either side of her head. That was something I had never done before, to anyone. It was new, she was new. And although we eventually found ourselves against a tree, a position I had been in before, it felt new. To have her delicate fingers undo the buttons of my dress and slip it off my body was new. But she was there to catch me, as she had promised. She was there to reassure me, whisper sweet encouragement in my ear when I felt myself seize up slightly at some of the things we did together. I didn't know what to do. A virgin, it seemed. But she lead me, taught me, melted me with the just the sound of her voice.

Her milky skin, soft and warm. Her gasps and sighs and moans, more enchanting than any bird song I had heard. Her light touch, exploring an unfamiliar places yet steady all the way.

To have a lover on one side of the lake, and then another on the other side brought a kind of euphoria to me that I didn't think it would. Two worlds, still seperate, but close enough to add another layer of excitement and pleasure to my summer. To experience love making in a totally different way, pure and in the way it's supposed to be, to appreciate  it's deeper meaning. It was all so wonderful.