Ain't Nobody (Loves Me Better)

4. Fraying Edges

Try as he might, Ethan still felt like the metaphorical thread between him and Grayson was starting to deteriorate. Fraying at the edges and he was left... stranded.

"Eth, what's wrong?"

It wasn't anything that happened immediately. It was a gradual thing. Ethan didn't even realize until he was already feeling the distance between them, a distance that was never there before. A distance that has been growing and Ethan didn't realize it until it was already too wide.

"What the hell, Ethan? Why are you so weird lately?"

"Okay, asshole. What the fuck is going on with you?"

It always started with touch. Out of nowhere, he started to become more conscious of the touch between them. It probably would've been fine if it only happens in front of the camera, but it didn't. It bled into their daily life, turning what was once a gesture of comfort and normal into something else. Not only that, he noticed how... possessive he started feeling, as they met more and more people and their distance grew. The feeling was familiar, he felt something like that when they were younger and Grayson was better liked by the people around them. Back then, he knew without a doubt Grayson was his, as much as he was Grayson's. It didn't use to matter how many people held Grayson's attention, each and every one of them was always fleeting and temporary.

"Why are you being such an asshole lately? Is something going on? Talk to me, Ethan."

But now, the same feeling left him feeling ugly, the need and the want to make Grayson pay attention to him and only him, and he ended up both trying to push Grayson away or pull him in and never letting go. He felt like a clingy girlfriend that needed to know what Grayson was doing, every minute of every day, even though they were always together anyway.

"Eth, whatever is going on with you, I can't help you if you don't talk to me."

"You fuckin' asshole! What the fuck!?"

He wanted to reach out, but he kept himself back. He wanted to lean into Grayson's touch, but he shied away instead. He wanted to talk, but the words couldn't form what he wanted to say. His emotions were all over the place, his thoughts and feelings warred with each other. He was second-guessing everything and Grayson... was having none of it.

"Fuck you, Ethan."

The thing was, he still didn't understand what was going on with himself. All he knew was the distance between him and Grayson was growing, and he had no idea how to stop it.

*          *          *

Grayson didn't understand why Ethan kept doing what he was doing.

Ethan kept shrugging him off in front of the camera, which was okay. There were days when he just didn't want to handle another person in his space. Just like his weird food-sharing thing, Grayson wasn't an exception. He knew that between them both, he's the one that touches people a lot more. Their friends had commented on that, and usually, it was also why they seemed to be more comfortable with Grayson than with Ethan. He just didn't exude the low-key, general 'don't touch me' vibe the way Ethan did.

When Ethan was in one of his moods, Grayson sometimes directed some of his touchy-instinct towards Cam or their mom or their dad or their grammies, when they were in New Jersey. Or their closest friends, when they had those within touching distance. Besides, when Ethan was in this mood, he still tolerated touch if it was Grayson. They live together and do everything together. Grayson touch people close to him impulsively, so it was impossible to avoid touching, no matter what mood Ethan was in.