HOT; jaehyungparkian ␌(discontinued)

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i swear to god that i feel like i'm dying. i lay in bed sweat dripping down forehead trying to calm down after a horrible horrible dream. i try not to even think about it as i don't want to feel that feeling ever again in my life. i wipe off the sweat and feel some tears crawling down my face. i immediately wipe them away and look at the time.

5:30 AM

i have the urge to check up on my little sister even though i know it was just a dream. even though it was only a dream, it felt real. so real. i felt my world crumbling piece by piece the longer i was stuck in that world that i couldn't get myself out of. not even after i saw my sister drop limp to the ground slamming her head hard against the cement, blood gushing out and the screams that left my mouth to get me out of that hell. i couldn't move. it was like i was forced in place by a mysterious force not wanting me to move from my stop. that mysterious force wanted me to watch. it wanted me to feel pain. it wanted me to shoot her. so i did.

the feeling of wanting to throw up still lingers deep in my stomach. i stand up and walk out of my room heading straight to my little sisters room. i slowly open her door as quietly as possible and push my way through. i see her body going up and down slowly in bed hugging a stuffed lamb, that i bought her two years ago, so tightly like it was going to magically become alive and run out of her grasp any second. i walk right next to her bed and crouch down to her level. i stare at her face, how it doesn't look pale and filled with no life. i smile gently and brush my fingers against her cheek.

i silently stand up and exit the room closing the door behind me. i turn to leave but i see a figure standing in the hallway looking at me confused.

"why were you in minseo's room?" jisung, my little brother asks me. i walk up closer to him so i won't have to respond loudly where the rooms are right beside us.

"had a bad dream that she died. i was just checking up on her," i whisper, "why're you up? you usually don't wake up this early." i question him.

"thirsty. hey, were you crying?" he looks at me worrying. he must've seen my red eyes and guessed that i was crying for a good five minutes.

"well, if you dreamed of our little six year old sister dying in one of the worst possible ways ever, i bet you'll cry too." i say a little too harshly. of course i didn't mean for it to come out like that but i am still emotional over this whole situation. it still doesn't give me a right to snap at him though so i immediately regret responding at him like that.

he looks away from my eyes and whispers, "i was just making sure you're okay."

"sorry. i didn't mean to snap at you like that." i quickly respond and embrace his small fifteen year old body into my eighteen year old figure. he looks up at me shocked at my move. it's not everyday that your older brother really hugs you. not some shitty side hug. a real hug. so i make sure to hug him tightly before letting go.

i look at him, "do you forgive me?"

"i forgive you. it wasn't a big deal anyway." he says carefully like if he said something wrong i would snap at him again. i sigh and ruffle his hair. he whines quietly and pulls my hand off of his head.

"go get your water and sleep for the remainder," i look at my watch which was pretty hard since it was pretty dark around the house with no light, "fifteen minutes."

"okay. bye." he says as he steadily heads down stairs to grab a water bottle. i push open my bedroom door and lay in bed for a couple minutes trying to get those extra minutes of sleep but not succeeding. i come to the conclusion that i would not get anymore sleep this night and should just get ready for school. since i have a little more extra time i decide to take a shower. i grab my shower stuff aka, towels, shampoo, some body washes, etc. since i don't have a private bathroom i keep all of my stuff with me so no one else will use it. once i enter the bathroom and turn on the blinding light i look at myself in the mirror. i can see how red and puffy my eyes have gotten and some dried up sweat on my face. i look dead to be very honest. i shake my head and remove my gaze from the reflection. i strip down and turn on the shower to medium heat. once i enter relief over goes me without even knowing i was super tense this entire time.