The Way We Feel

Chapter 34

With all I'd done over the course of my life—the places I'd seen, the vast crowds of people I'd played in front of, the legends I'd met, the friends I'd made, the laughs I'd had, the insane amount of success I'd found—I could say with certainty that none of that compared to this.

Not the beautiful countries I'd visited, not the ridiculous amount of Hollywood glamour I'd encountered at countless award shows and events, not even the high of performing in front of a crowd of thousands of people.

I couldn't be sure, but it felt like her body was a bit bigger since the last time I'd held her like this. It was just as warm, though—as comforting as a fresh hot water bottle settled against an ache. And where her head lay against my chest, my heart—my own eyes closed. I breathed her in, that soft tuft of light brown hair, just slightly curly, like mine, and let my lips linger just above her soft scalp, barely touching the warmth of her head.

No. There was nothing else in the world that compared to this.

I probably would've fallen sleep, too, if not for the sound of the floor creaking nearby.

Madelyn looked sheepish when I opened my eyes, her mouth set in a wince as she held her phone up and pointed towards us.

"Sorry," she whispered.

My lips tugged upwards at the corners as I let my eyes drift closed again. "S'okay."

Nothing calmed me, soothed me, like holding my daughter as she slept. Nothing made me happier. More content. And even that didn't describe all of what I felt with her curled up fast asleep on my chest. The amount of trust she had in me, the amount of love I had for her...

I could be anywhere in the world, living my life in the exact way most people only dreamed of, and I'd still coming running back here—to this room, to this couch in my mother-in-law's house—to doze with her like this.

To feel all that I was feeling right now with her in my arms.

Madelyn's voice was clearly amused, and closer to me than it had been a moment ago, when she said, "She's drooling on you."

I felt laughter bubble up my throat, and opened my eyes to look down at Lila, who was so fast asleep, a long string of saliva had been trickling down onto my shirt for the last fifteen minutes.

"I don't care," I whispered, running my lips against her soft hair. Pressing small kiss after small kiss to her head.

Mads settled down on the arm of the couch just next to me, staring down at us, and her next words directly contradicted that action. "We should put her to bed."

I ran my thumbs down the soles of Lila's feet where they dangled by my hips. "Just a few more minutes."

Lila had to have been out cold for nearly half an hour now, and I'd been sitting here, holding her to my chest the entire time while Mads and her mum cleaned up after dinner.

I'd barely let go of her yet, to be honest. And she didn't seem to want me to.

Which resulted in a disconcerting combination of the utmost joy and the worst kind of regret.

Guilt.

But I wasn't letting myself focus on the guilt of not being around for two weeks of her life. Not when I was able to hold her and smile at her, and make her giggle that giggle that I'd missed so keenly these last couple weeks.

Mark had stayed for a while once we'd gotten home, the three of us just chatting and catching up until Michelle had returned home from work. Which meant that Mads and I had yet to have any alone time. Not that either of us minded the company, exactly, especially since we'd been away from her family for so long. And if I was being honest with myself, I didn't mind having the opportunity to put off the conversation I knew I had to have with her either.