Sad Egobang One-shots [Discontinued]

A Reason To Go On

(Warning! This fic features self-harm, suicidal thoughts, and is just rather depressing. This is also kind of a vent fic??? But don't worry! I'm okay! I'm not going anywhere!)

The day had been rough. It had been really rough and the pounding in his head didn't make the situation any better.

Dan was laying on his bed, an arm covering his eyes as he got lost in his own head.

If he could disappear then and there, he would. He would disappear and make it seem like he never existed in the first place. That's all he wanted to do. To make the pounding in his head stop and his chest to stop aching for some unknown reason.

His mind felt cluttered. He felt overworked. His teachers had piled assignment after assignment on him to the point where his hand and arm was now cramped from writing so much and so frequently. He would do his work of course, wanting to make sure he got good grades and was able to leave this hell hole called school. He needed to graduate. He needed to. He had to. He fucking had to.

He woke up every morning feeling tired rather than refreshed, his body numb and heavy and his mind filled with cluttering thoughts. He would lay in bed, and his mother had fussed at him for not getting up and laying in bed all day, always encouraging him to get up when sometimes he doesn't want to. He would snooze his alarm at least twice before he got up and started to slowly get dressed and ready for the long, long day. He'd throw on whatever he had and deem it 'fine' before brushing his teeth and grabbing something small to eat once the minty flavor had left his mouth. He'd nibble on whatever he had, not always feeling hungry in the morning. He would double check his book bag and the charge on his phone before pulling on a jacket and making his way out the door and to school.

He'll arrive and just sit by himself, at his own little desk, just doing his work and trying his best to stay on task and not let his mind wander for too long. He'll refuse whenever someone asks to copy his work and will pretend that it doesn't hurt when someone doesn't want to work with him.

"Just smile to cover up for how empty you're feeling," he tells himself to get through every day. He has to keep his temper to a minimum, not even remembering having a bad temper or why the littlest things will urk him and cause him to get angry for no reason at all.

He'd eat lunch with his friends and continue to hide his true feelings with that fake smile he's learned to master over the course of the years. He didn't want anyone to know how he was actually feeling. They couldn't know. He didn't want to add anymore emotional baggage onto their shoulders. He knew they already had some of their own and he didn't want to make their already existing weight heavier.

This isn't the first time he's done this, hiding his true feelings under a mask of sugar coated lies, always coming up with an excuse for why he was feeling sad. Making up something so everyone would stop asking him about and leave him be for a minute or two. And it's not that he wanted to be completely alone, it's just that he wanted to have some separation for a second, though the separation made him lonely and he worried about them leaving him permanently. But he's done all this before. Hid his truly feelings. He lied and said he was okay after a break up that really fucked him up mentally. He lied when he said he was 'just tired'.

And he lied when he told his friends that the cuts on his arms were from a friends cat.

Dan was scared of being alone. Of having no one to go to. But he keeps isolating himself. And he doesn't open up easily.

He's afraid that his friends find him annoying. He doesn't mean to be. He doesn't want to be annoying. And he hopes he isn't, but he can never know for sure.

Danny is afraid of a lot of things, come to think of it.

He's scared of people leaving him or feeling uncomfortable after he's confessed to how he's feeling or what's going on in his head. How he's had thoughts of returning to the blade, thoughts of giving up entirely even though he was doing so much better now.

He needed to speak up.

But all the words Dan wanted to say were clogged in his throat and he couldn't get them out. They were stuck and he was choking slowly, choking on his own words.

He didn't remember when he had started to cry. But he was. Sobbing on his bed and hoping no one would hear him as he poured his soul out onto a pillow on his bed.

He was crying because he was scared, because he was sad, because he was lonely, because he was just so fucking done with so many things at the one moment. He was crying because it felt right to do. Like it was the only thing he was good at. He cried because he felt like he was on a stage and this was his talent and everyone was watching him. He cried because he wasn't good enough and will never be good enough no matter how hard he tries. He cried because he felt like a failure even though he was doing well in school and his grades were the best they had been in years. He cried because the gaping hole in his chest ached so much that he just had to let that pain out one way or another.

Then, his phone chimed.

Dan stops, falling silent and glances over at his phone. He slowly picks it up with his trembling fingers, seeing who had messaged him...

Big_Kat: Hey babe just wanted to let you know that I ❤️ you!!!

A smile made its way onto the crying boys face.

Dannysaur: I ❤️ you, too

He sniffles and wipes his nose with his arm, not really caring about the gross snot he got on himself. He turned his arm over and gazed at the faded scars on his arms. Battle wounds. The wounds he had received from a battle he had won. There were little faded drawings near them that Arin had done for him. They made Dan smile.

Big_Kat: You okay? Want me to come over??? We can snuggle and watch movies

Dannysaur: Yeah that sounds good

Big_Kat: Good! I'll see you in a bit! ❤️

Danny smiled softly, drying his eyes. Maybe... maybe there was a reason to keep going after all.