Hysterical Much?

Chapter 4

I shifted uncomfortably as I turned around and saw Roger sip on the small glass cup of Vodka. It wasn't like him to drink around me. He always made sure of this, and if anything it was just beer or whine, nothing like spirits. I watched him finish it and drink another. 

After three cups, he stopped. Thank god. He wouldn't even be a small bit tipsy, he had means to party and could consume a lot of alcohol and barely be drunk. He placed the cup in the sink and walked around the island to the living room.

"Safiya. What's wrong?" Roger asks me. He was being so weird.

"What do you mean?" I ask, standing up to face him. He was now standing behind the couch to face me.

"I don't get it. With us. Why have we been so distance. I always thought it was me, but it's you, I love you Safiya. I tell you that every day. But it's always just a quick, 'ya, love you too'. You always seem so busy and I don't get it!" Roger says. He seems heart broken, and his hands start to shake.

"I put my life on hold for you. Because I care about you. Do you think I like going to school, working, drumming, no! But I do it so I can live with you. I do it all for you. But you never tell me anything. I want you to tell me about your problems, or little details about your days, but you never do. You always depend on me, only when you need it." He spits.

"Roger, I do love you, really, so much. It's hard, I've been so afraid to love anyone because I always loose them! I try my hardest. I really do. It's just so difficult!" I say back. Roger shakes his head and looks away, so I can't see him cry.

He turns towards the door and walks to it, and places a shaky hand on the knob, twisting it slightly. He opened the door and looked back, teary eyed.

"Roger, no, please! Please don't leave me here alone! Just stay, I'll stay away from you, just please don't leave me!" I say. He quickly looks away as if he stared any longer he would break down crying and he quickly left.

I could tell he didn't want to leave. He was always so sweet and charming, but when he drank, he was someone new. The play boy known for stealing people's girls. The one that's angry and could easily fly off the handle. Over the years, he's been acting like that without even having a sip of alcohol.

And it's my fault. I always needed constant attention, I've put his life in danger because so many people want me dead. I never wanted to admit this, but that's what drove him away. He just wanted it to stick, but it never could. He must be scared of me. He knows what I'm capable of.

I slowly make my way to our room and I change into my pajama's. I didn't know what to think, I was just overwhelmed with emotions. I was sad because Roger left, I was also mad beacause Roger left, and I was scared because of the hallucinations I had been having recently. I just needed some rest.

I have slept much ever since I witnessed someone die in front of me. Twice. I close each window locking them, then checking each door and window to make sure it was locked. It was weird. It was my first time sleeping here ever since that, vision I had, and I had to do it alone. I take deep breaths and turn the t.v on and scroll through the channels alone.

The bed felt, so, empty. I didn't like it. Roger was always so protective and never let me sleep without somehow be touching. I brushed it off and watched one of The Late Shows, and focused on the t.v. I was stressed because I had to go back to school tomorrow.

I turned on my side and faced the window, wrapping the thick comforter around me. I used to always be so hot at night, Roger produced so much heat that it was unbearable in the summer time. I focused on my night stand watching the alarm clock tick from 10:58 to 10:59. I trailed my gaze to the picture frame next to it.

It was when Roger took me on a date to a roller blade place. It was hilarious because Roger couldn't skate, but he knew I loved it. I felt tears stream down my face. Had I not realized everything Roger did for me? He was the only one who believed me, he is the only person that could ever love me and not see me as a threat. I steered him away from me.

I miss him. I miss him lying next to me in bed. I miss his hilarious jokes and snarky comments. His flirtatious ways. His calming voice, which was higher than mine. I missed seeing his beautiful face everyday, every morning, ever night.

I can't belive I've never realized these things. I softly cry as I stare at the picture frame. I turn around and imagine him being there. Whispering sweet nothings in my ear as I fell asleep. Running a hand through my hair, always joking saying I needed to trim it.

I smile as I slowly stop crying and just feel the tears dry and sniffle slightly. I suddenly felt exhausted. I just hoped that when I woke up I would see Roger's face next to me. He would be home and I could finally tell him just how much I loved him, and how much I missed him. But he wouldn't be the person I saw in my room when I woke up.