EPIC (Book 1 of the Soundcrush series)

Chapter 24: Rock Stars Disappear On You

Kat

I soak a long time in the tub, and it's wonderful. The bath is great, but the knowledge that I'm in Trace's suite and he will soon return is the wonderful part. He's mine and I'm his and it feels totally right and comfortable to be awaiting him, naked in the tub. Maybe we aren't having sex tonight but we're going to have dinner and pillow talk and lots and lots of touching, and possibly I will sleep in his arms as naked as I am right now, and even that won't be close enough for me.

Dammit, why is he so amped to take things slow? I mean, I'm a little nervous about my first time, but only because no matter how ready I am, it's an unknown. I know there's a huge range of possibility in how it's going to feel, and no matter what Trace says about being emotionally ready and physically aroused, part of the experience is an anatomy thing. Every girl is made a little differently, and no one else can tell you exactly how much pleasure or discomfort might be involved. But I do know that nothing has ever felt more right to me than being with Trace. I want him so badly, and I...I trust him with this. I feel like, with Trace, even first-time sex will be the best it can be.

I get lost in the fantasies of how it's going to be. The water goes cold, and when I finally get out, I realize Trace has been gone an hour. It's almost eleven pm, and I'm starving. We haven't had anything but drinks and apps on the plane all day.

He doesn't answer my text. He must still be with Riley. I pull on some soft shorts and a tissue T that I plan to sleep in and put my damp hair up in a bun. I just sort of sponged my makeup off in the tub and my eyes are a little smudged, and I look a little dewey, but I don't feel like pulling out all my toiletries and washing my face. I just leave it, liking the dirty, smoky look around my eyes. I feel great when I'm with Trace. Comfortable. Myself.

I bite the bullet and send my parents an email, letting them know where I am. They don't have phone service on the ship, but I know they are checking email when they are in port. I don't go into too much detail. I just say Trace and I reconnected and I decided to take him up on an invitation to visit him in New Orleans for a concert. Trace has provided all the transport and there's a huge entourage with the band and security and I'm perfectly safe, and I'll check in with them every day. I decide to wait to tell them about Ashlynn when they get home.

It was a shock to see her this morning. She looked so different—so skinny and jumpy and sick. She was totally high, and the things she said really pissed me off and made me sad at the same time. She didn't make much sense. She said she left because our parents wanted to have her committed. They never told me that, but I know they didn't believe she was in pain all the time, and they were very very angry with her about her drug use, so maybe it's true. She told me she had gone to LA, that she had run into Trace and he convinced her to come home the first couple of times. That I could believe, but I could hardly believe that he hasn't told me that. Then again, I've told him twice I don't want to talk about Ashlynn.

Truthfully, I don't want to. For a long time, all I could think about was Ashlynn. To the point where I tried to do things like she would, sort of in her honor. I would ask myself..."What would Ashlynn think about this,' or "what would Ashlynn, do in this situation?" and I would try to do it. In some weird way, I guess I felt like I was keeping the old Ashlynn alive, keeping a space in our family that she could walk back into if she ever came home. 

But I couldn't keep it up. I wore myself out, living her life. I feel...numb, when I think about her now, and that makes me feel like a bad sister and a terrible person, so for the last six months or so, I've tried to avoid thinking much about her at all. But the decisions I made, the life I created when I was channeling Ashlynn—it was already in motion, and it keeps going forward, and dragging me with it.